" Bloody Trying " ...

When you're trying your best to make it work...
And the other person doesn't give a shit about you...
Okay there is a lot going on...
Yeah well news flash...
With me too !!
But I still try...
Make time to Skype not even online...
Snapchat everything I do...
WhatsApp whenever I can doesn't even check when online...
You know what?
Backing off...
Obviously not because I'm bust or whatever she fucking thinks...
But when she wants to make this work...
I'll be here...
If not...
Then at least I'll know how much our relationship was worth to her...
I am fucking trying...
There's only so much I can be blamed for this...
Only...
So...
Much...

" Please Just Tell Me " ...

If she doesn't love me anymore...
I wish that she'd just tell me...
Because it's just killing me inside...
Had a day out today with some friends who are every close to us and leaving in a couple of months...
Had my period so used a tampon for the first time to go to the beach...
Mama put the first one in for me...
It felt weird and quite frankly...
I just realised that anything up there...
Is honestly quite weird...
I'm good just grinding thanks...
So yeah I was already having a bit of a cough...
But came home and have a high fever...
Not fling good...
Body sore from gym cannot move...
Strained I more on the beach...
Worth it because I did have a good time...
But I just feel like crap right about now...
High fever...
Back to pads...
So high flow...
I don't know...
Just so weak...
Gonna go driving by the beach tonight like every othet night...
And hopefully I'll feel better...
Hopefully I hear "I love you" from her soon too...
Killing me inside...
If she doesn't...
Just...
Say...
So...
Please...

" I Love You " ...

Okay it seriously wouldn't kill her to just say it back...
Those simple 3 words...
Would make EVERYTHING beer and just give me this emotional relief...
Make my whole situation so much better...
And honestly...
If she doesn't feel that way about me...
She should just say so...
And so I'll just not expect to hear it anymore...
Just those 3 words...
If she doesn't love me...
She should just say so...
Just...
Say...
So...

" No Pain No Gain " ...

With my days though...
Nothing much really...
My days pretty much has been going back and forth as mentioned previously...
Gym...
Massaging my mom cracking her back and stretching her...
Going out with daddy for late night drives when he comes home just to get out a bit...
And then back to those nights...
I've been doing intense workouts...
Tomorrow my first personal training session with this new person because our regular left...
So yeah my body is in pain...
But no pain no gain right...?
I guess that applies to love...
To life...
To just getting by...
To your relationships...
You should feel pain...
And fighting through that pain...
And still seeing that it's worth it...
Yup that's your gain...
So relationships too...
No pain no gain...
No...
Pain...
No...
Gain...

" My Nights " ...

I lay down in bed every single night...

I don't know why I ever even bother... 

I never really close my eyes in peace... 

So well yeah... 

I just lay there... 

Awake... 

Until eventually... 

I just get up... 

Take the keys...
Drive over...
Pick up five beers...
Drive to the open beach...
Park over there...
Drink them...
Wait till the sun comes up till I fully sober up...
And then drive back early in the morning...
Mama has been so sick...
Just been back and forth from Khorfakkan to here...
Checking on Shan Di and mama...
She was always this weak...
Never told me...
Found out only after seeing her when I came back home...
Never noticed on Skype, or pictures, or even on the phone...
Always kept her smiling head up...
To not worry me...
Bad daughter...?
For sure...

" So Lost " ...

Shan Di is really sick...
She might go to Pakistan for treatment...
I'm just so worried for her...
Whatever little eye sight she has...
Could even be lost forever...
I'm gonna visit her everyday and drive there to make sure she's okay...
I just wish my love would just text me at least...
I miss her...
And I know that it's all my fault...
I've ruined everything...
For us...
For me...
For her...
I miss my princess and Razie...
I am just SO grateful that she still keeps me in the loop about my angels...
Even if she doesn't love me...
Just...
SO...
GRATEFUL...
So grateful to her for that...
Owe her a lot for putting her through this...
And despite it all keeping me updated...
God I love her so much...
Even if she doesn't love me back...
I...
Love...
Her...
SO...
FUCKING...
MUCH...

" Feeling Lonely " ...

I feel so alone...
Missing out more on my Princess...
I'm the only one who can change it...
But I can't...
It's complicated...
I know I left her feeling alone...
I know it's my fault...
I know I'm the one who left her alone...
It makes me feel like shit...
It's my fault...
I'm a horrible fucking person...
4 nights no sleep...
I miss my little girl...
My little Princess...
When she said "my little girl"...
Yes it stung...
And hurt...
I love them even Raz...
And I just miss them...
SO MUCH...
I...
Miss...
Them...