" Hate " ...

I have never hate anything in my life before...
Never hated getting molested...
Never hated cancer for taking away my angel...
Never hated when my brother left...
But one thing that I hate...
Right now...?
The fact that I can never hate...
I fucking hate the fact that I never hate...
I want to hate fucking cancer for stealing my one true love...
I want to fucking hate the fact that my innocence was stolen from me way before I even hit puberty...
I want to hate the fact that some asshole stole from my brother and now he's jobless...
I want to FUCKING hate my heart for loving...
But I can't...
I just love her so fucking much...
That it hurts...
I...
Fucking...
Love...
Her...
:'(...

" Shattered " ...

Everytime that I text her...
It just makes me wanna cry...
Like no matter how hard I try to have an intimate and I don't mean that way...just a heart to heart with her...
It's like it's not good enough...
So distant...
I remember when my text used to make her heart skip a beat...
Like it does mine...
Make her feel butterflies...
Like me whenever she texs me...
All this even now I feel...
It's like...
She doesn't care anymore?
Not talking about me...
But this relationship...
Us...
And that's why ever time I text her I just fill up with tears...
She doesn't at all feel what I do...
And i mean busy...?
YouTubing...?
Heck...
Her sister has more time for me...
Snapping me and stuff...
At least someone gives a shit...
Hurts...
Her sister makes my day snapping hr and baby...
Heck she has more time for me than her itself...
Fucking hurts...
When she said that she loves me...
It just felt off...
Like she was just saying it...
Like there was just no feeling behind it...
What about all those times she avoided it?...
Just never said it back...?
Changed the subject...?
Everytime...
She...
Texts...
Me...
I...
Just...
Wanna...
Cry...

" It's a New Day " ...

You know what?
I love her...
And I know that she loves me...
Knowing it is enough...
I trust her...
And I fucking am in love with her !!
Say it don't say it she knows I love her...
I know I love her and that she also loves me...
That's all that matters !!
Yeah when she clearly isn't busy...
But she says she's busy whatever...
I'm not letting that get to me...
I love her and that's that...
I just wished she'd say it back...
But they're just words...
It would feel amazing g if she did...
But bleh just words...
I guess...?
I love her...
I'm fucking in love with her...
I...
FUCKING...
LOVE...
HER...
SHE...
IS...
MY...
FUCKING...
EVERYTHING...
AND MY FAMILY...
AND I LOVE HER...
AND MY PRINCESS...
AND RAZIE...
MAMA NISHU EVERYONE !!
I FUCKING LOVE HER !!
SHE'S MY LIFE...
SO I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW !!
GOD I LOVE HER...!!

" Bloody Trying " ...

When you're trying your best to make it work...
And the other person doesn't give a shit about you...
Okay there is a lot going on...
Yeah well news flash...
With me too !!
But I still try...
Make time to Skype not even online...
Snapchat everything I do...
WhatsApp whenever I can doesn't even check when online...
You know what?
Backing off...
Obviously not because I'm bust or whatever she fucking thinks...
But when she wants to make this work...
I'll be here...
If not...
Then at least I'll know how much our relationship was worth to her...
I am fucking trying...
There's only so much I can be blamed for this...
Only...
So...
Much...

" Please Just Tell Me " ...

If she doesn't love me anymore...
I wish that she'd just tell me...
Because it's just killing me inside...
Had a day out today with some friends who are every close to us and leaving in a couple of months...
Had my period so used a tampon for the first time to go to the beach...
Mama put the first one in for me...
It felt weird and quite frankly...
I just realised that anything up there...
Is honestly quite weird...
I'm good just grinding thanks...
So yeah I was already having a bit of a cough...
But came home and have a high fever...
Not fling good...
Body sore from gym cannot move...
Strained I more on the beach...
Worth it because I did have a good time...
But I just feel like crap right about now...
High fever...
Back to pads...
So high flow...
I don't know...
Just so weak...
Gonna go driving by the beach tonight like every othet night...
And hopefully I'll feel better...
Hopefully I hear "I love you" from her soon too...
Killing me inside...
If she doesn't...
Just...
Say...
So...
Please...

" I Love You " ...

Okay it seriously wouldn't kill her to just say it back...
Those simple 3 words...
Would make EVERYTHING beer and just give me this emotional relief...
Make my whole situation so much better...
And honestly...
If she doesn't feel that way about me...
She should just say so...
And so I'll just not expect to hear it anymore...
Just those 3 words...
If she doesn't love me...
She should just say so...
Just...
Say...
So...

" No Pain No Gain " ...

With my days though...
Nothing much really...
My days pretty much has been going back and forth as mentioned previously...
Gym...
Massaging my mom cracking her back and stretching her...
Going out with daddy for late night drives when he comes home just to get out a bit...
And then back to those nights...
I've been doing intense workouts...
Tomorrow my first personal training session with this new person because our regular left...
So yeah my body is in pain...
But no pain no gain right...?
I guess that applies to love...
To life...
To just getting by...
To your relationships...
You should feel pain...
And fighting through that pain...
And still seeing that it's worth it...
Yup that's your gain...
So relationships too...
No pain no gain...
No...
Pain...
No...
Gain...