" Dear Blog " ...

Dear blog, I am just do sorry because it seems to me that I only come to you in times of distress like this past month...
Soon it will all be over. I have deleted all of my social media. When I'm around new faces there's nobody to stop me...so in a few days the world will be rid of Nathania Nita Rao. The world will be at peace...you will be at peace...everyone will be at peace...and me? I will be resting in peace...just peace...everywhere...for everyone...

" It's Settled Then " ...

It's officially settled then...I just cannot live anymore...

" Over " ...

It's like I screw up everything in my life...
And I just ruined everything...
I will never be with the love of my life my soul mate ever again...it is all just my fault I'm such a fuck up ... with my love...Nish mama Mark Ben Everyone ... I might as well just not live.

" Yup " ...

So this morning I woke up and I had slept like a rock after MONTHS.
So uhmmm...today I had a wet dream about her and I just woke up soaking...no joke...it was so hot and omg I just wanna make out with her and just never stop...god...

" Oh My God " ...

So we just had such a sensual moment and then it stopped...but if I could just kiss again and again and over and over again and just not stop...god...who knows what will happen...
If that didn't stop...well it's obvious...omg...

" I'm Retarded " ...

Can I kiss you...CAN I KISS YOU!? WTF is wrong with me!? Was I high why did I tell her all of that!? 

Plus everytime we cuddle or something GOD I just wanna kiss her so bad. That passionate kiss. God I love you I love you I love you FOREVER...It's just so hard I'm so stuck and I'm effing SCREWED !!  

 

" Horrible Day " ...

Today was horrible. Went out on a friendly dinner with him and then he tries to kiss me!? Thank god nothing even touched like wtf that's NOT friends and that sure as HELL isn't like EVER happening EVER AGAIN !!  

" OMG " ...

I CANNOT BECAUSE I AM FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU IDIOT AND IT IS JUST SO BLOODY POINTLESS !!  

" Sure " ...

Now I am sure of my decision not to go to the Hilton with him tomorrow because I LOVE YOU and that is FOREVER !! :D  

" Magical 3 Words " ...

Omg it was said...
Even if it wasn't meant in a certain way...it was said !! My knees feel weak my stomach is in knots the cat got my tongue my heart skipped a beat and I'm smiling after so long...the real smile this time...:)

" Ugh " ...

So my mate gave him my BBM pin and it's super annoying at the moment. Someone else has my heart and is that SO hard to understand!? My toes started to bleed a little today which made me happy. Because it shows that my work is paying off. Positive climb.

" Reflection " ...

So today was intense at the gym. No names mentioned but HE kept bugging me and he still just doesn't understand "mates" and quite frankly it is getting on my nerves so from now on just morning sessions with no stupid distractions.
On another side note my suitcase is almost packed...

" Nothing " ...

When you needed me I was always there for you...
When you had nothing I stuck by you...
When you didn't have a home I promised you I'd be forever...
You made me promise to be your forever...
When  you had nobody I was with you...
When you were alone I was your everything...
Now that you don't need me anymore...
I am absolutely nothing to you...

" I Can't " ...

I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I love you...

" Why " ...

You can never unlove...
And if you're in love you can never love another...
I'm stuck...
I can't unlove you...
And I cannot love another...
I lay here crying for hours with one thought in my head...
Why did I love you...?
Why is my love only growing...?
Why can't I unlove you...?
Please come back home...
Come back to me...
Why...
Why...
Why...
 ... ?

" Out " ...

Now to just get it all out of my system for today...

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU.

" Burning " ...

It burns so bad when you're pushing me to someone else...
It's like you don't love me anymore...
It's like you don't want me anymore...
Ha...who am I kidding of course you don't...
But you don't have to keep shoving it on my face that you'll never love me again...
I don't want anyone else...
I want you...
And if you meet someone else I'll just die in silence with a smile on my face...
And if I never have you...
I will go to my grave wanting you...
Loving only you...

" Never Happening " ...

I just got asked out today at my gym.
He does a few classes with me.
I told him that my heart was still another's.
And he said that he understood and now we're just mates.
Mates.
That is such a simple word.
But when used correctly.
It could stab you in the heart.
And despite the fresh open wound...
You stand by your decision to love...
You choose love...
Because these feelings are forever...

" I Love You " ...

Since I have to say this to you everyday here it is...good morning and I love you...

" The Friend " ...

I guess that I'm not seen that way anymore...

A mate... 

A friend... 

That's all I'll ever be... 

Nothing more... 

It's my fault for putting this on my own... 

I pushed and pushed... 

And now it's just gone... 

Forever... 

My feelings shall stay till the day I die... 

Nobody shall ever know... 

Because that's the best thing to do... 

When they deserve SO much better than you... 

Tell nobody about these feelings... 

I'll take it to my grave... 

" Mistakes " ...

Everyone makes mistakes...
It's how we own upto them that defines us...
Defines who we are...
Defines our mark in this world...
Love is a battle...
I've been fighting for a long time now...
It's a fight that I am never giving up on...
It's a fight that defines me...
I've made a lot of mistakes...
But I believe that this is what defines me...
How I own up to my mistakes...
By fighting...
And never giving up...
Because that's what I know...
And that's what I believe in...
That's what defines the person that I am...

" People " ...

Sometimes I just don't understand people...
I love you unconditionally...
And you just don't see it...
Someone you haven't even talked to for years...
And they're on your mind all of the time...
They're the ones that left you...
All it took you...
Was a day to forget me...
A day to replace me...
A day...
Was that all I was to you...?
Worth to you...?
I'm not saying that I will take that place...
But why promise me all of that bullshit and then just not care...?
Why give me expectations...?
Heck !! Why even say anything at all...?
When you KNOW that I was just worth...
A day...
A day...
A day...

" Pushing Away " ...

You said that I couldn't push hard enough...
You said you'd never fall...
I cry alone because you went away...
Yet I wanted to push you astray...
Yes I pushed you away from me...
But only because darkness is all I see...
You don't need me...
I'm nothing but a burden...
Without you all I am...
Is falling...
You don't need to know that I crave you everyday...
You don't need to know that I need you every second...
All you need to know is that I'm fine...
As far as you know I'm strong...
And I don't need you...
I hide behind a curtain of lies...
I hide behind the blind truth...
That I cannot live without you...
But without me you are best...
Without me you can move forward...
You have other priorities...
And I need you to know that...
You said I couldn't push...
And I'm lost without you...
But you got pushed away...
I succeeded...
And I just cannot wait for your return...