" Missing Her " ...

I miss her like crazy...
I haven't slept in 3 days now...
I just think of her...
I love her so much...
Even if she doesn't believe me...
I love her...
And I try my best to be with her...
I just hope that she just never forgets me...
I see why she never really did make it official...
She's scared she might forget me...
With me not giving her the same amount of attention...
Which is SO understandable...
But I'm just scared of being forgotten again...
I love her...
And I miss her to death...

" Hardest Ever Done " ...

I told her I didn't have time for her...
I want to make her feel like she didn't matter at all to me...
So she hates me...
So when she leaves this time...
Moves on...
It's for good...
And she doesn't come back...
She'll only come back if she think that I just don't care anymore...
Fuck knows I'm bloody in love with her...
But soon I'll be forgotten...
And if she thinks that I don't care...
I'll stay forgotten and she won't come back again...
I fucking need her...
But her staying away...
Means no more pain from me...
I'm like that piece of shit that sticks...
That you cannot get off no mater what you try...
I destroy everything that I touch...
I hurt and break everyone that I ever love...
I don't deserve to have her love...
And she deserves to be only happy...

" It's Just Hard " ...

I know that everything is my fault...
And yes I'm the only one who can change this...
But it's hard...
All it comes down to...
Is my parents just wanting the best for me...
They have it in their heads that this isn't the best for me...
Which I understand...
They won't even consider what I have to say...
Because their mind is sent on the idea of what's "best for me"...
I love her to death...
I really do...
And i hate myself for doing this...
But I love them as much as I love her...
They're both on the same level...
Which is saying a lot because my family is my everything...
And she's my family too...
So she's my everything too...
It's hard because if I do something...
That goes against their idea of what's "best for me"...
It just hurts them...
Because they feel like they have failed...
They feel that by letting me...
They're hurting me...
I know my parents...
Once they get it out of their heads...
The fact that...
I'm their "baby"...
Everything will be alright...
But it's just till then...
I'm trying to be with all of them...
I know I'm just hurting her...
And is something she'll never understand...
Which is totally understand...
Because she hasn't experienced what I have...
Which is not her fault at all...
And I'll never blame her for not getting it...
It's just unfortunate circumstances...
So that's all...
I love her more than words could ever describe...
Which is why I have to do the hardest thing ever...
Let her experience new things in the summer...
Let her be free...
From my controlling...
I don't want her to feel trapped...
Of course I'm gonna miss both my Princess and Razie...
Because they make my day with my Moppie...
But I have to let her go...
Even if it means risking to lose EVERYTHING...
The girls...my love...our life planned together...
She's right...
I'm not there for her...
And she deserves WAY better than me...
I'm not gonna see all my little angels...
And it hurts...
But I love her enough to let her get better things in life...
Be constantly happy...
If she still wants me after summer...
At least she knows it what she definitely wants...
If she's experienced everything there is...
And AFTER all of that still wants me...
Then good...
But if she finds something way better...
Still good...
Because then at least I know that she's happy...
At least I know that she could have been happier without me and took that chance...
I will NEVER love anybody in this whole world like I love her...
Never...
But its'a a risk that I am willing to take...
Because that means that she would be happy...
And that's worth it for me...
Even if that means losing everything...
At least...
She's...
Happy...

" Unfair " ...

This fucking sucks...

I'm leaving... 

Dad might have cancer... 

Cancer fucking breaks my heart... 

And dad!? 

Why the fuck is this happening?! 

Had 1 good dream and 4 nightmares last night... 

Exams... 

This summer... 

Her leaving me... 

And IDK why but her sister... 

Woke up sweating and crying... 

Didn't sleep at all... 

These nightmares have been happening a lot since the past week or so... 

Waking up sweating and crying... 

Same ones... 

EXACT SAME ONES... 

I just can't... 

I don't know why the fuck it's happening... 

But it fucking hurts... 

And I just don't know what to do... 

I hate myself... 

I hate life... 

I just fucking hate everything right now... 

Fucking... 

Hate... 

EVERYTHIHG... 

" Sadness " ...

4 months...
It shatters me...
And plus other things...
That made her leave me to begin with...
Just hurts...
I don't even know what it is...
But that lump in my throat...
That ache in my heart...
I just dunno...
The second she's back there...
I'm forgotten...
That's the harsh truth...
And it hurts...
I love her...
And that hurts...

" Summer " ...

A LOT of truth came out this morning...
Whenever there's a good situation...
I'm like this God...
Come a bad situation, and I'm ALL ONLY negative things...
All about the negativity...
And the reason that I'm low on self confidence very much...
Hate myself...
Is because the negativity about me in bad situations...
Is true...
I know it...
She knows it...
We all just do...
Good situations blinds her from this horrible beast that I call Nathania...
And EVERYTHING said this morning...
And all bad situations...
TRUE TRUE TRUE...
All of it true...
This summer just really scares me...
I'm scared...
What if she forgets again...
I know it will be my fault...
But nevertheless...
I'm just scared still...
I love her...
And I always will...
My heart can just never love another as I love her...
Never...
IF something goes wrong...
We go our separate ways...
I can never move on...
There's just too much over here...
The passion...
The love...
Heck even the fights...
I fucking am in love with her...
I fucking wanna be with her...
Have a big wedding...
Have a big family...
Be happy...
But the thing that I am scared of most...
Is breaking her heart by keeping her unhappy...
By fucking up again...
And again...
And again...
And...
Again...
Again...

" Don't Know Her Anymore " ...

So apparently...

She was pretty out of it last night... 

Which I didn't know until today... 

Which I should have known really... 

Because she was very open with me last night... 

I gave her this huge lecture (which she doesn't even remember...-_-)... 

But I saw genuine comfort in her face when I told her... 

However, some things were said by her... 

And suddenly... 

I just feel like I don't even know her anymore... 

And it's like glass shattering before your very own eyes... 

Like what... 

How...? 

And it just feels strange... 

Very strange... 

But do not get me wrong... 

I love her to death... 

Always have... 

Always will... 

I'm in love with her... 

But do I really know her...? 

I don't know... 

I... 

Don't... 

Know... 

 ...

" Forgot " ...

So okay today I was waiting...
And yeah it hurt a bit...
But I'm not gonna show it...
I mean it wasn't a big deal...
It just kinda hurt because we talked about it and I waited...
But oh well it happens...
Just gotta move past that...
It wasn't like it was done on purpose...
But still a part of me hurts...
For other reasons too...
But I shall never show it...
I'll just learn to live with it...
Or try my best to move past it...
Or just figure it out and deal with it myself...
Hurt...
But I'm okay...

" Today " ...

So today could NOT have gone better...
Just amazing...
My Princess just totally made my day...
It was amazing...
Spent time with my love...
It was super amazing...
And I just couldn't ask for ANYTHING better...
Most amazing day ever with my two babies...
BUT...
Still deep deep deep...
Down inside...
I'm still hurting...
I'm not gonna show it...
Because what good would that do...?
She'll just end up leaving again...
I'm dealing with things...
In my own way...
I am figuring it out...
And I'll be okay...
I hope...
I wish...
But amazing day today...
Just more and more in love with her...
Everyday...
Everyday...
Everyday...

" Fuck UP " ...

There's no doubt...
I'm a psychopathic fuck up...
I just screw everything up...
That's all I do...
I'm unloveable...
That's what I love about this blog...
I can say what I want without being judged about victimising...
I'm fucking in love with her...
But all I do is screw it up...
Good person...?
Fuck that...
You know what I am...?
A total fuck up...
That's what I am...
I fuck up peoples lives...
Probably shouldn't even be mates with my mate I went out with today...
I'll probably fuck up his life too...
I'll give him some advice that will fuck up his chances of being with the girl that he likes...
And by staying with my love...
Probably fuck up her life too...
All I thought about tonight...
That face that I just wanna kiss...love...
I'm looking at her as I write this...
Fuck...I love her...
I screwed up everything, I fucked up everything...
How could she ever love this creature...
Fuck up my brother's life...
My mum's life...
Daddy's...
All my babies...
Thither probably looking down at me...
Disappointment...
Fuck up...
Monster...
That's what I am...
Fuck up...

" Anything But a Liar " ...

The one thing that I cannot stand in the world is a liar...
I am not one.
I am not gonna be the one thing that I myself cannot stand...
The only reason for my concern...
Is for HER...
I'm worried for her...
Nothing else...
She apparently doesn't say anything...
But this is worse...
Mental torture...
Like yeah I'm not gonna miss you...
Like yeah I don't care what you do...
Or about you...
Like seriously...?
It might be a joke to her...
But to me it fucking hurts...
Burns...
Stings...
And it sucks...

" Confirmed " ...

It's confirmed... 

I'm toxic... 

I ruined her life... 

I'll just keep ruining everyone's... 

That's what I do... 

I should just stay away... 

Just stay away from everyone... 

And everything... 

Just stay... 

Away... 

 

" Toxic " ...

Not gonna speak and keep hanging up so she hates me...
I'm a toxic person and it's best for her my Princess and all of them if I just stay away...

I'm toxic... 

And she deserves way more and way better than me... 

It hurts so much... 

But sometimes doing what's best for others is the best thing you can do... 

No matter how you feel... 

I don't give a fuck if my heart is falling apart... 

Heck I fucking love her... 

And this is what is best for her right now... 

To be far far away from this toxic mess... 

Yes... 

I realised today and yesterday... 

I think of only myself... 

I'm selfish... 

I'm toxic... 

I love her but she cannot be with me... 

It will ruin her life... 

I'll ruin her life...
She says all of those praises about me...
Praising me...
How i'm amazing...
This, and that...
But I'm not...
I'm not a good person...
I don't do shit for anybody...
I don't care about anybody...
But myself...
I'm not that "good person" that everyone says that I am...
Good heart?...
Hell no that's not what I am... 

I'm toxic... 

Toxic... 

Toxic...

" Lose Interest " ...

Just that phrase...

It hurts... 

Like I'm some sort of item... 

I know it wasn't AT ALL meant like that... 

But remember this... 

EVEN FOR ME... 

I wasn't getting any of that... 

But I still NEVER forgot my heart... 

It should still be in your heart... 

If you truly love... 

You never forget... 

As SIMPLE as that... 

That should be ENOUGH to hang on... 

Heck she ACTUALLY BROKE UP... 

Gave me no hope... 

No attention for a lot of days... 

Kept constantly talking about someone else... 

But I hung on... 

I believed... 

I loved... 

Still love... 

So yes... 

Lost interest...? 

If she forgot so easily... 

She shouldn't even be in this... 

Right...? 

Lost... 

Confused... 

Hurt... 

" Part of Me Lost " ...

I had a good day today...
Went out with a mate...
Watched a hilarious movie...
But still...
Missed her like CRAZY...
Obviously not gonna show her that I was just completely lost without her...
But I did miss her...
SO MUCH...
I love her to death...
And I know that she was busy the whole day...
And so the last thing that I was is to be a bother...
But I need her and when I got back...
I just broke down and cried...
It's stupid but...
I miss her like a crazy monkey misses bananas !!
I miss her...
And I love her... :(

" Sharing " ...

Today was one of the best days ever... 

We spent an entire day together... 

I saw my two mates back together... 

I spent time with my baby... 

I cooked... 

But then... 

Comes the sharing... 

I share everything with her... 

EVERYTHING... 

She blackmails me and I share... 

And tbh...? 

It feels good talking to someone... 

I pour my heart out to her... 

And yes it does hurt... 

When she doesn't with me... 

Like I'm not worth talking to... 

Or more than that... 

Like she's not comfortable telling me... 

And yes it does suck... 

A LOT... 

And then comes the phone... 

I'll be waiting on the line... 

And BAM comes and BAM phone... 

Like okay...? 

You know what? 

I'm thus crazy control freak and I'm just not gonna say anything... 

I'll just sound like a freaking psychopath... 

Whatever... 

I'm just gonna have to deal with it I guess...? 

Sucks... 

 

" Nightmares " ...

Okay so I just feel like it's time to talk about this... 

Throughout my life... 

I've dealt with bad things in my life... 

By having nightmares... 

So basically I've had them all my life... 

If it's something as small as having my candy bar taken from me when i was 8... 

Or crayon when I was 4... 

I've just always had them whenever I have dealt with things in my life... 

Negative things... 

Just like I know what she means about me having intercourse with mu ex... 

I KNOW... 

Because I have them too... 

Sometimes a freaking orgy with S, S, A, T...EVERYONE... 

It fucking sucks... 

Some dreams she dies... 

Some dreams she leaves... 

Some dreams she celebrates when I leave... 

I don't know... 

Just basically some really fucked up shit... 

I've had these kinds throughout my relationship with her... 

And that's why just a "CRUSH" makes me feel just so insecure... 

Because it's just me... 

I just see these things... 

It MAKES ME insecure... 

And yes it sucks by how much it hurts... 

And what sucks even more... 

Is that I KNOW deep down that these flings and crushes and stuff means absolutely NOTHING... 

BUT... 

That's what sucks, that DESPITE knowing all of these things...that I just STILL feel like this shit... 

Maybe I just love her too much...? 

I don't know... 

All I know is that I'm in love with her... 

And loving her hurts because of how I make myself feel... 

So yeah... 

I just do not know... 

All i do know is that yes like I had said earlier... 

I love her... 

I FUCKING AM IN FUCKING LOVE WITH HER... 

 

" The Copyright " ...

Dear Ishara Rosiek…
You complete me…
Like how roots hold a tree…
[You look into my eyes…
And just like that time flies…
You make me happy when I am sad…
Making good days from my bad…
Our cuddles in the morning shine so bright…
In the darkness you are my guiding light…
Together we make the world go round…
And at nights you help me sleep so sound…
When you make me smile…
I feel like I can run that extra mile…
You give me so much energy and love…
You take me to a place so high above…
Ishara Rosiek make me yours forever…
So happy we’ll be eternally together…
Beyond the norms of life…
I’ll me your loyal wife…
Through sickness and in health they say…
Through your happiest and roughest day…
I love you my soulmate…
Without you I fear my fate…
Together we’ll make 8 beautiful loves…
Sent from the purest of doves…
Souls so innocent smell so pure…
Forever your love I shall endure…
Ishara Ishara Ishara my love…
Make me yours forever…happier than the above…
When you leave me I'm so torn and broken...
You heart is my only token...
Token to my future life...
Oh Ishara Rosiek make me your loyal wife...

" Stings a Bit " ...

I don't know why, but I just woke up feeling a bit down today...
Just depressed you know...
I guess reality just hit me...
Let's be honest and face the facts...
No matter how we are...
Which I just absolutely love how it's going...
The reality is that we are not together...
And I don't know why it twists my heart a little bit...
Because this, whatever we are...
Who knows how long it shall last...
You know...?
And I mean...
I don't know I'm just scared...
This whole thing is just scary...
I love her to death...
But I'm also just scared to death also too...
And when baby just idk didn't say bye to me...
It was like as if that reality came true...
I don't know it's stupid...
And I know that my Princess loves me...
But I guess it just felt worse because of how I felt when I woke up...
You know...?
Idk...
I just don't know...
Don't know...

" Bleeding " ...

My heart just feels like it's bleeding... 

We made sweet love last night and it was MAGIC... 

Magic... 

I'm SO in love with her... 

Drank last night... 

Why...? 

I don't know everything is just so confusing... 

I love her but I cannot have her... 

She loves me but she cannot have me... 

I just do not know... 

I'm just so lost right now... 

But I was fucking jealous last night... 

If my first love got married you know what...? 

I wouldn't even feel a thing... 

In fact I would attend it and celebrate it... 

Yes that hurt... 

Stung SO bad... 

I mean like... 

A dream...? 

Come on man... 

It just fucking hurts... 

 

" Family ' ...

According to her I'm just a passing cloud in her life...
Heck she's my family...
Girlfriend's come and go...
Wow so she just follows that like a sheep?
What happened to all of those times that she had called me family...
Heck CORRECTED me when I said something else...
It hurts like crazy...
You know why it hurts when she said "yeah when I'm there don't feel bad but I don't really miss you"...
"I miss you most during nights and days...but not there"...
"I look forward to Skyping with you when I come home because there it's a nice atmosphere..."
FUCK I FUCKING MISS HER...
Even when I'm with my fucking brother...
He's my ENTIRE LIFE...
My mother...father...I'll text her whenever I can...
But her?
Oh no she's with family...
You know why I miss her!?
BECAUSE SHE IS MY FUCKING FAMILY...
But me...?
LOL no...
I'm a fucking passing cloud...
Need me only when it's not a "good atmosphere"?
Those nights over there you get what I give you always...
So you don't fucking miss me!?
That is FUCKING BULLSHIT...
I'm in my mothers arms the weekends...
The safest place in the ENTIRE world...
And I still FUCKING MISS YOU...
She cheated on me!?
FUCKING BULLSHIT...
I'M JUST SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HER...
And it fucking hurts...
FUCKING HURTS...
Hurts...

" Just Friends Right...? " ...

I'm in love with her...
But we're friends...
Yes I'm pissed...
Time to snap...
Got online...
But not ONE message...
I shouldn't expect anything right...?
Just friends right...?
Well I expect...
Jesus Christ I'm fucking in love with her...
To the point that it HURTS so bad...
Sucks when you're in love...
And want something that the other person doesn't...
Love...
Commitment...
And I'm just so stuck...
It hurts so bad...
And I'm so stuck...

" Leaving " ...

Whenever I think of her...

Whenever she makes me feel loved... 

It just floods back in... 

Her leaving... 

And feelings from all of those times that she left... 

Just comes back... 

All at once... 

That clench in my heart... 

I love her... 

But I don't know if I can ever be with her... 

What if she just leaves again...? 

" My Love " ...

Broke my heart to see my baby all broken down like that...:(

And about my love... 

I don't know... 

What are we...? 

I know that we both do not want to rush... 

It's the last thing that both of us want to do... 

And I know that she loves me... 

But there were some things that she had said... 

That really hurt me... 

And it still stings... 

A LOT... 

Firstly the things that were said... 

Secondly... 

The fact that we both know that we love each other... 

But still just cannot do anything about it... 

I love her... 

I want her... 

This is a LONG summer and my heart is loyal... 

But this summer just terrifies me... 

Terrifies me so much... 

So much... 

" Awkward? " ...

So this is just SUPER embarrassing...
But well I have to put everything on here...
Okay so today when I went to shower after college...
I thought about our kiss...
Then I thought of her...
Kissing me...
Everywhere...
Okay no details...
But yeah thought of much more...
And well...
I ended up touching myself in the shower...
To the thought of her rubbing down on me...
Fully...
And I finished 3 times...
And it felt amazing...
PMS hormones?
Absolutely.
Loved it?
DUH...!!
:$ :$ :$ :$ :$ ...

" My Princess " ...

Spent the whole day almost with her...
And of course my Princess...
She ALWAYS makes my day...
And she is the one person who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY...
She is my sunshine...
She makes me SO happy...
I wish she always loves me this way...
And honestly I do believe that she will ALWAYS love me...
I love her TO DEATH and even after that FOREVER...
Breaks my heart every time she cries...
Today I cried so much...
Because tears just DO NOT belong in those perfect eyes...
I miss her SO much...
And I'd do absolutely ANYTHING for my Angel...
My Princess...
I LOVE YOU...!!

" KISS " ...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
WE KISSED
OMG
OMG
OMG
I CAN'T EVEN...
IT FELT AMAZING...
OMG I CANNOT BREATHE...
Okay so let's just never talk about it again and pretend it never happened...
That's what we're doing I think...?
But yeah...
We kissed and I know it...
And it was amazing...
And even if we do not talk about it...
I KNOW THAT IT HAPPENED AND OMG... !!
But why...?
Because she's the one that kissed me first...
Just honestly...
Why...?

" Sleep " ...

It's SO hard not to kiss her...
Say that i love her...
Apparently I said that I loved her...
Before I fell asleep...O.O
I do not even remember that...
We slept together last night...
BEST feeling ever in a long time...
Finally slept after 2 weeks...
Finally ate after like 2 weeks...
But yes I still do miss her...
Of course...
I love her so much...
SO MUCH...
I LOVE HER ... !!

" The Pact " ...

So...when I was talking about making a pact for my mates...
I actually meant with her...
Her and me...
Till the end of the summer...
I wanna do that like SO bad...
But...
I'm just SO scared...
Because this pact isn't a "sure" thing...
Okay so from my side...
It's all good...
But what if she starts dating someone...
But meets someone that she loves in that way...
The hope given and then CRUSHED...
Yes...
This is giving me hope...
And IF that happens and the pact fails...
I WOULD JUST DIE INSIDE...

" I Miss Her " ...

I love her to the moon and back and even more after that too...haha that was our thing...
I just love her so much...
And I miss her...
What more is there to say...

" Trust " ...

So I just had a heart to heart with her...
Yes it does hurt like I bitch...
But I'd rather have her in my life as whatever she wants and is comfortable with...
Than to just lose her fully...
It was okay for her to delete my pictures and our whole relationship...not saying easy but in the end she did it...
But for me I just cannot erase what literally saved my entire life...existence...
And I just wanna kiss her...
Cuddle her...
Love her...
Her love me...
Show that she loves me...
Like before...
But yes...
It does hurt that it will NEVER be...
But she's still here right...?
But then ALREADY...
Talking about another crush...
I'm sorry but you broke my heart and then replaced me...
And say that you care...!?
That STABBED me...
HURT SO BAD...
Like why...?
Why always...?
I just cannot...
But I still fucking trust her with my life...
She saved it...
Yes...2 years 7 months and 17 days ago...
She SAVED ME...
But it just fucking hurts...
I'm just here crying...
I'm not even a BIT tired or sleepy...
Fucking day light outside...
I'm gonna get just a bit tipsy...
Need to get to class...
But I am also human...
And I just need to numb myself a bit...
God it fucking burns...
And the tears make my eyes burn...

" LOL " ...

I am taling to my mate Mohaseb...

And he likes me... 

And we laugh so hard... 

And he's awesome... 

But it just feels so wrong... 

Like I love him as a friend... 

I love being around him... 

But it feels wrong to go more than that... 

He's visiting next month and wants to see me... 

And I just don't know... 

I love her... 

I love her SO much... 

I'm IN love with this girl !! 

ARGH I LOVE HER SO MUCH !! 

So yeah LOL... 

IM FUCKING STUCK YAY LOL !! ... 

TIME TO GET DRUNK NOW !! :'D... 

" Why " ...

I kissed her last night...

I remembered every bit of that... 

Even if it was for a second... 

That second time stopped... 

That second of happiness... 

Like it was all okay... 

But then after that second... 

The next second... 

I died inside... 

Knowing it was not what it was... 

Spent the whole of last night crying... 

No sleep... 

Broken inside... 

She thinks I'm strong... 

When we text I put on a brave face... 

But i just want her back so bad... 

To be in her arms... 

To feel safe again... 

Everyone is leaving... 

The problem daddy had in the winter break... 

With his heart... 

It never fully went away... 

Thatha left me... 

Carmella might have cancer...just got back from the vet... 

Like why...? 

Just...why...? 

I just want my Thatha back... 

I just want my daddy to be okay... 

i just wanna be in her arms... 

I just wanna crawl there and close my eyes forever in her arms...die peacefully... 

I just want her back... 

Why... 

Why... 

Why...? 

" Numb 2 " ...

Just spending the whole day in bed today...
Just so numb inside...
I spent the whole day putting on a face for people...
Otherwise I have to talk and if I do I will just break down...
The only people who know are Rewan and Habab...
Everything...
They know that I'm the asshole in this whole situation...
They still love her...
Which is important...
Just because I am their friends and i'm the one who screwed up they should know...
I'm just so hurt inside right now...
Hurt...Numb...?
Who knows...
I just wanna hide away forever...
Spoke to Thatha today...
I miss him...
I miss how it used to be...
How I was always his little girl...
I'm just so dead inside right now...
Why did he have to leave me...?
Why...
Why...
Why...

" Last Night's Nightmare " ...

So yeah...
I got super plastered last night...
WASTED...
I thought that Habab was Ishara and I kissed her before coming up to my room...
And yeah I did the most retarded thing and cliche thing ever...
I called the Ex...
GOD I love her so much...
I just miss her love...
I miss her SO much...
I miss everything...
I want her back so bad...
I want her to be mine...
I want her...
I love her...
I cried myself to sleep last night...
I do not remember very much...
But my Snaps were interesting...
And I just got like an hour of sleep...
I feel dead...
I look dead...
And I'm just dead inside...
I threw up twice once last night and once this morning...
It felt good...
To numb myself...
I haven't slept in AGES I just want to be in her arms...
And just die in her arms...
It hurts SO bad and I just want her love...
Why doesn't she love me anymore...?
Am I that bad...?
I be that she just doesn't even miss me...
I love her so much...
Please let her love me again...
Please I beg you...
I dunno who I'm even begging...
But just PLEASE bring her back to me...
It hurts SO bad...
SO BAD...
Bad...

" IDK " ...

Okay first things first...
I SAW MY BABIES !!
OMG THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL AND I JUST MISS THEM ALL SO MUCH...

Secondly...
I just miss her SO much and I'm just SO in love with her to the point that it just HURTS...
So yeah...
I just do not know...
idk...

" Numb "...

So I am kinda sorta wasted !! 

LOL okay no pleasantly buzzed !! :P 

Later me and my mate Habab are gonna get plastered !! 

I'm numb... 

And you know what? 

I DO NOT CARE !! 

If they catch us I could get kicked out... 

And you know what? 

I DON'T CARE !! :'D 

LOL !! 

Fuck You All. 

CIAOOOOO !! :* 

 

" Good People Eat Shit Always " ...

So...
My brother just lost his job because someone in his company stole most of their money and ran away...
And since he was part owner...
Yeah...that sucks...
He's a good person...
The BEST in fact...
JUST like my grandfather...
What happened to him? 
Lost his job...
What happened to my grandfather?
Died of Cancer...
Why the FUCK does bad stuff happen to the best people...!?
Okay me...
I'm falling apart...
Probably failing all of my courses...
Heartbroken...
No purpose in life...
At least I deserve it...
IT'S ALL MY FAULT...
But them...?
GOD DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST...
OR ELSE THESE AMAZING PEOPLE LIKE MY BROTHER AND GRANDFATHER WOULDN'T BE SUFFERING SO GOD DAMMNED MUCH !! ...
Fuck you all.
K. Bye.

" I Just Miss Her So Much " ...

You shouldn't miss someone...
To the point it hurts...
In the pit of your stomach...
Like you're being stabbed...
Over...
And over...
And over again...
Constant pain when she's in your head...
Constant hurt when she's on your mind...
Why...?
Why does your heart hurt so much...?
Because she'll forever BE in it...
I promised to NEVER leave...
She was CRYING AND BEGGING me...
Not to go...
Promise that she'd never leave me...
And I am such a DUMB FUCK...
To just FALL BACK...
On all of these blunt promises...
Over and over again...
When am I gonna learn...
To just stop being so naive...
That it's JUST YOU in this world...
Nobody gives a flying fuck about you...
A shit about you...
TRUST NOBODY...
HELL NO !!
Fuck everyone who "claims" that I'm their "forever" or any of that BULLSHIT...

" It's Just So Hard " ...

So I got in touch with a long lost friend.
Haven't spoken in maybe 2 years.
I think he likes me.
I mean he's an amazing guy. 
And he knows I'm single...
Which is what sucks...
Because I don't want anything ever...
I can never do that to anybody at all...
Promise them my heart...
When it already belongs to another...
My heart shall forever be hers...
I've been avoiding him lately...
It's just so hard to tell him...
"Sorry I'm fucked up...I come with Baggage...My heart shall NEVER fully be yours...and my jealousy feelings will fuck up this relationship" ...
Maybe I just should...
But he's a WONDERFUL guy...
Mohaseb...
But I just CANNOT...
I cannot let my heart love again...
Because I'll just never trust ANYBODY again...
NEVER...