" Break Down " ...

I exploded...
I did something that she does not deserve at all...
I broke down and took it out on her...
With all of that shit going on at home...
I want to run to her and tell her everything...
But with her own thing going on...
It's not fair...
But what do I do...?
I explode on her face...
I am a shit horrible pathetic excuse for a human being...
She deserves someone who treats her like their king...
And I just treat her like my servant...
Like dirt...
The distance is getting to me...
Not physical distance...
But the emotional distance...
She has put up a barrier to me...
She isn't who she was...
Three years ago...
Don't get me wrong...
I love her to death and always will...
But I will always be deeply in love with who she was...
I will always hope my king comes back to me...
I will always wait for her return...
Sometimes she feels like a total stranger to me...
Sometimes I don't even recognise her...
And that is like a stab in the heart...
She was is and always be a part of me...
So when she changed...
It felt like losing a part of myself...
Come back...
Come back to me...
Come back to me my king...
My king...
Mine...

" Fairytales Always End " ...

After EVERYTHING...
Even when I'm supposed to hate her guts...
I just cannot...
I'm fucking in love with her...
Ad still after everything...
I miss her just so damn much...
I wanna be with her...
I wanna be the person that she loves...
What I miss most...?
Someone looking at me like she did...
So much of love...
Once upon a time she loved me...
But I guess that it was just too good to be true...
And that all fairytales come to an end...
End...
End...
End...

" I Miss Her So Bad " ...

I miss her so bad...
I try and see it as a good thing...
Try and constantly think about all of the times that she was horrible to me...
But...
I just cannot...
I cannot stop loving her...
DESPITE EVERY FUCKING THING...
Why the fuck am I hurting myself so much...
Move on...
But I cannot...
I never can...
It's impossible...
Even after she hurt me time and time again...
Left me time and time again...
I'm just so hurt...
But I fucking miss her...
Miss...
Miss...
Miss her...

" I'm Losing It " ...

I've lost her...
Which means that I have just lost everything...
My Princess...
My Angels...
Everything...
I felt like I was part of a family...
And now...?
I'm an outcast...
It's all gone...
And I've lost it all...
My stupid fucking mistakes...
And I have lost it all...
I should have just dealt with the abuse...
I don't care...
As long as I had thag family...
But now...?
It's just all gone...
Gone...
Gone...
Gone...

" Just Deal With It " ...

I'm dealing with everything...
Not saying...
Or even doing anything...
Because the one thing that I could never lose...
Are my angels...
No matter what...
More nights of just in bed...
Stopped driving because I use a lot of petrol and stuff...
So I just lay in bed...
Nightmares again...
And since that talk about my virginity...
I have just been constantly thinking of my rape...
Over and over again...
You see that's why I feel SO uncomfortable with anything in me...
The tampon felt super weird...
And that moment just repeats in my head...
How he put it in...
How it felt...
How I felt...
Over and over again...
I just don't even feel a thing...
I'm numb...
My heart is numb...
Not feeling loved...?
Ywah well SUCK IT UP...
For my angels...
I'll suck it up...
To keep them...
I'll just deal with it...
Deal...
Deal...
Deal...

" Everything I touch " ...

Everything I love...
Turns to garbage...
I loved Ron so much...
But I couldn't make him happy...
And he found something better...
I really scares me to get close to anybody...
It scares me...
Everytime they get something better...
I'm never able to keep anybody happy...
And they end up leaving for something that does...
It's always happened...
I loved him so much...
And he found someone better...
I am scared to get close to Ish...
I got way too close and now...
I started feeling less loved...
Don't even believe it when she says that she loves me...
And that scares me...
The fact that I feel less loved and don't even believe her...
And the one thing that I can NEVER lose is my Princess and all of my other angels...
She had made it very clear that without her I lose them too...
And I can just NEVER ever lose them NO MATTER WHAT...
My virginity was a huge deal to her...
And yeah...something nobody knows...
It did happen...fully...
It wasn't just molestation...
It was rape...
I am not a virgin...
Never was...
And I NEVER got the courage to say it to anybody...
NOBODY...
And it meant a lot to her...
And I cannot even give that part of me to her...
I see her getting unhappy...
And it kills me...
I did what I did for her...
So she could move onto real happiness...
I guess it just made things worse...
I just feel so depressed...
I just don't know what anymore...
Numb...
Numb...
Numb...

" After So Long " ...

It was amazing to see her after so long...
God I fucking missed her...
Her smile...
Her laugh...
Heck the way she made me smile and laugh...
It was amazing...
But then when I had to go...
It started again...
I thought that this would make things better between us...
Her to keep texting me...
I spend every second of the day unlocking my phone to see if she texted me...
Skyped my bother last night and I was just so depressed...
And at that time I wished I could just unlock my phone and rant my heart out but she wouldn't care...
I'm gonna be a Zumba Instructor...
Which is a HUGE deal for me...
And she didn't even care...
All differences aside...
She didn't even care...
And I know it's hard for her too...
But she saw me freaking naked for goodness sakes !!
And that's a huge thing for me...
My body...
My virginity...
And after that to not even say that she loves me...
Yeah it hurt...
And for her to just talk about it that way...
It hurt...
Because showing that and opening up that part of me is really hard...
And she's the first person I have ever done that to and the last...
And for her to just say it like it was nothing...
Heck...
I meant it when she was my first...
And she knows I believe that my first sexual experience is my virginity...
Because when I was six...
Yes...
He went in a bit...
So if she says that a tampon took my virginity...
Yeah it was gone a LONG LONG LONG time ago...
Nobody even knows this not even my own parents...
But I just cannot even admit it to myself...
So how shall I to anybody else...?