" Happy " ...

I sit here looking over at my roommate...so happy... 

Yes she and her boyfriend have their own problems...but at the end they're always happy...why can't I have normality...? Why can't I have that happiness...? Why can't I laugh and just have a teenage relationship. I got sucked into this...and now that she ended it...I just want it all back...how it used to be...how we wanted our future to be...I just want all of that... 

 

" Stop Hurting Myself " ...

Everyone always said that I deserve better...I always fought...I was always with them at their WORST no home nothing...I was always there...I am unable to support financially and I hate myself for that...but she said just being there was enough and I always was...I NEVER wasn't...NEVER left...and now it's not good enough...when they found out about me...they hit me they isolated me from their lives...they never spoke to me...I got hit everyday...but I still found a way to be with her...to talk to her...I risked a lot...I fought...I never just listened to them and gave up...never...but I am unappreciated...I'm abused...insulted...I hate my life...constantly being blamed...constantly being abused...yet broken when she's not in my life...I just never want to exist...I never deserve love...I don't deserve anything...I just want to be dead...

" Broken Hearted " ...

My heart is broken in so many different ways. I had to let go of the love of my life...she deserves someone who can give her everything...who's actually trying...looks like she's happy moving on...she realised it too...that she deserves SO MUCH MORE than me...my mother's lungs are on the verge of failing...I'm losing everyone...and I'm losing myself...

" Not Gonna Make It About Me " ...

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for her obviously. She's going through a lot. i am so happy that she has someone. And I'm so glad she's getting help and that she is proud of that. I am proud too. But the thing is that I would have done the same if she LET ME. She doesn't let me do anything and when she says stuff like that it puts me down like I'm so useless. It's SO clear to me that when she says that she sees me as the person who doesn't do shit. "Can you book one from there with your currency"? And when I try to offer my help and advice she always puts me down with "you don't understand". When I went through a hard time earlier this year at the graduation party she didn't even believe me. But I would never yell at her and tell her that she's saying stupid things. Or that she doesn't understand or get me. It just hurts A LOT.

Not that I am blaming her for anything like AT ALL. But right now I can't make this all about me and i am just SO grateful for this blog to unload myself to myself. 

My friends really made my day today...but my Birthday was still a bummer...it was like always...and I felt like shit the whole time... 

" Have I Lost My Credibility? " ... ?

When we were talking about Baby Dino I just couldn't help myself...I burst out my soul...
But then I thought it's healthy to cry I'm front of her...
But then she asked me something...are you jealous...do you want me to talk about you now...?
Is that what everyone thinks of me now...? Self absorbed...when there's such a beautiful Angel out there...whom I want...I want as my son...is that what they think...?

" We Lost Him " ...

It's funny because I never personally knew him...but losing Baby Dino felt like losing my Star all over again...I should stop trying to be a mother figure when nobody will ever see me that way...my princess...she doesn't...and that hit me today...although it was my fault for expecting...my Star...gone...my Dino...gone...It's like the heartache of losing my Star ALL over again...except times 2 today all over again...I just lost 2 children today...