" Break Down " ...

I exploded...
I did something that she does not deserve at all...
I broke down and took it out on her...
With all of that shit going on at home...
I want to run to her and tell her everything...
But with her own thing going on...
It's not fair...
But what do I do...?
I explode on her face...
I am a shit horrible pathetic excuse for a human being...
She deserves someone who treats her like their king...
And I just treat her like my servant...
Like dirt...
The distance is getting to me...
Not physical distance...
But the emotional distance...
She has put up a barrier to me...
She isn't who she was...
Three years ago...
Don't get me wrong...
I love her to death and always will...
But I will always be deeply in love with who she was...
I will always hope my king comes back to me...
I will always wait for her return...
Sometimes she feels like a total stranger to me...
Sometimes I don't even recognise her...
And that is like a stab in the heart...
She was is and always be a part of me...
So when she changed...
It felt like losing a part of myself...
Come back...
Come back to me...
Come back to me my king...
My king...
Mine...

" Fairytales Always End " ...

After EVERYTHING...
Even when I'm supposed to hate her guts...
I just cannot...
I'm fucking in love with her...
Ad still after everything...
I miss her just so damn much...
I wanna be with her...
I wanna be the person that she loves...
What I miss most...?
Someone looking at me like she did...
So much of love...
Once upon a time she loved me...
But I guess that it was just too good to be true...
And that all fairytales come to an end...
End...
End...
End...

" I Miss Her So Bad " ...

I miss her so bad...
I try and see it as a good thing...
Try and constantly think about all of the times that she was horrible to me...
But...
I just cannot...
I cannot stop loving her...
DESPITE EVERY FUCKING THING...
Why the fuck am I hurting myself so much...
Move on...
But I cannot...
I never can...
It's impossible...
Even after she hurt me time and time again...
Left me time and time again...
I'm just so hurt...
But I fucking miss her...
Miss...
Miss...
Miss her...

" I'm Losing It " ...

I've lost her...
Which means that I have just lost everything...
My Princess...
My Angels...
Everything...
I felt like I was part of a family...
And now...?
I'm an outcast...
It's all gone...
And I've lost it all...
My stupid fucking mistakes...
And I have lost it all...
I should have just dealt with the abuse...
I don't care...
As long as I had thag family...
But now...?
It's just all gone...
Gone...
Gone...
Gone...

" Just Deal With It " ...

I'm dealing with everything...
Not saying...
Or even doing anything...
Because the one thing that I could never lose...
Are my angels...
No matter what...
More nights of just in bed...
Stopped driving because I use a lot of petrol and stuff...
So I just lay in bed...
Nightmares again...
And since that talk about my virginity...
I have just been constantly thinking of my rape...
Over and over again...
You see that's why I feel SO uncomfortable with anything in me...
The tampon felt super weird...
And that moment just repeats in my head...
How he put it in...
How it felt...
How I felt...
Over and over again...
I just don't even feel a thing...
I'm numb...
My heart is numb...
Not feeling loved...?
Ywah well SUCK IT UP...
For my angels...
I'll suck it up...
To keep them...
I'll just deal with it...
Deal...
Deal...
Deal...

" Everything I touch " ...

Everything I love...
Turns to garbage...
I loved Ron so much...
But I couldn't make him happy...
And he found something better...
I really scares me to get close to anybody...
It scares me...
Everytime they get something better...
I'm never able to keep anybody happy...
And they end up leaving for something that does...
It's always happened...
I loved him so much...
And he found someone better...
I am scared to get close to Ish...
I got way too close and now...
I started feeling less loved...
Don't even believe it when she says that she loves me...
And that scares me...
The fact that I feel less loved and don't even believe her...
And the one thing that I can NEVER lose is my Princess and all of my other angels...
She had made it very clear that without her I lose them too...
And I can just NEVER ever lose them NO MATTER WHAT...
My virginity was a huge deal to her...
And yeah...something nobody knows...
It did happen...fully...
It wasn't just molestation...
It was rape...
I am not a virgin...
Never was...
And I NEVER got the courage to say it to anybody...
NOBODY...
And it meant a lot to her...
And I cannot even give that part of me to her...
I see her getting unhappy...
And it kills me...
I did what I did for her...
So she could move onto real happiness...
I guess it just made things worse...
I just feel so depressed...
I just don't know what anymore...
Numb...
Numb...
Numb...

" After So Long " ...

It was amazing to see her after so long...
God I fucking missed her...
Her smile...
Her laugh...
Heck the way she made me smile and laugh...
It was amazing...
But then when I had to go...
It started again...
I thought that this would make things better between us...
Her to keep texting me...
I spend every second of the day unlocking my phone to see if she texted me...
Skyped my bother last night and I was just so depressed...
And at that time I wished I could just unlock my phone and rant my heart out but she wouldn't care...
I'm gonna be a Zumba Instructor...
Which is a HUGE deal for me...
And she didn't even care...
All differences aside...
She didn't even care...
And I know it's hard for her too...
But she saw me freaking naked for goodness sakes !!
And that's a huge thing for me...
My body...
My virginity...
And after that to not even say that she loves me...
Yeah it hurt...
And for her to just talk about it that way...
It hurt...
Because showing that and opening up that part of me is really hard...
And she's the first person I have ever done that to and the last...
And for her to just say it like it was nothing...
Heck...
I meant it when she was my first...
And she knows I believe that my first sexual experience is my virginity...
Because when I was six...
Yes...
He went in a bit...
So if she says that a tampon took my virginity...
Yeah it was gone a LONG LONG LONG time ago...
Nobody even knows this not even my own parents...
But I just cannot even admit it to myself...
So how shall I to anybody else...?

" Hate " ...

I have never hate anything in my life before...
Never hated getting molested...
Never hated cancer for taking away my angel...
Never hated when my brother left...
But one thing that I hate...
Right now...?
The fact that I can never hate...
I fucking hate the fact that I never hate...
I want to hate fucking cancer for stealing my one true love...
I want to fucking hate the fact that my innocence was stolen from me way before I even hit puberty...
I want to hate the fact that some asshole stole from my brother and now he's jobless...
I want to FUCKING hate my heart for loving...
But I can't...
I just love her so fucking much...
That it hurts...
I...
Fucking...
Love...
Her...
:'(...

" Shattered " ...

Everytime that I text her...
It just makes me wanna cry...
Like no matter how hard I try to have an intimate and I don't mean that way...just a heart to heart with her...
It's like it's not good enough...
So distant...
I remember when my text used to make her heart skip a beat...
Like it does mine...
Make her feel butterflies...
Like me whenever she texs me...
All this even now I feel...
It's like...
She doesn't care anymore?
Not talking about me...
But this relationship...
Us...
And that's why ever time I text her I just fill up with tears...
She doesn't at all feel what I do...
And i mean busy...?
YouTubing...?
Heck...
Her sister has more time for me...
Snapping me and stuff...
At least someone gives a shit...
Hurts...
Her sister makes my day snapping hr and baby...
Heck she has more time for me than her itself...
Fucking hurts...
When she said that she loves me...
It just felt off...
Like she was just saying it...
Like there was just no feeling behind it...
What about all those times she avoided it?...
Just never said it back...?
Changed the subject...?
Everytime...
She...
Texts...
Me...
I...
Just...
Wanna...
Cry...

" It's a New Day " ...

You know what?
I love her...
And I know that she loves me...
Knowing it is enough...
I trust her...
And I fucking am in love with her !!
Say it don't say it she knows I love her...
I know I love her and that she also loves me...
That's all that matters !!
Yeah when she clearly isn't busy...
But she says she's busy whatever...
I'm not letting that get to me...
I love her and that's that...
I just wished she'd say it back...
But they're just words...
It would feel amazing g if she did...
But bleh just words...
I guess...?
I love her...
I'm fucking in love with her...
I...
FUCKING...
LOVE...
HER...
SHE...
IS...
MY...
FUCKING...
EVERYTHING...
AND MY FAMILY...
AND I LOVE HER...
AND MY PRINCESS...
AND RAZIE...
MAMA NISHU EVERYONE !!
I FUCKING LOVE HER !!
SHE'S MY LIFE...
SO I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW !!
GOD I LOVE HER...!!

" Bloody Trying " ...

When you're trying your best to make it work...
And the other person doesn't give a shit about you...
Okay there is a lot going on...
Yeah well news flash...
With me too !!
But I still try...
Make time to Skype not even online...
Snapchat everything I do...
WhatsApp whenever I can doesn't even check when online...
You know what?
Backing off...
Obviously not because I'm bust or whatever she fucking thinks...
But when she wants to make this work...
I'll be here...
If not...
Then at least I'll know how much our relationship was worth to her...
I am fucking trying...
There's only so much I can be blamed for this...
Only...
So...
Much...

" Please Just Tell Me " ...

If she doesn't love me anymore...
I wish that she'd just tell me...
Because it's just killing me inside...
Had a day out today with some friends who are every close to us and leaving in a couple of months...
Had my period so used a tampon for the first time to go to the beach...
Mama put the first one in for me...
It felt weird and quite frankly...
I just realised that anything up there...
Is honestly quite weird...
I'm good just grinding thanks...
So yeah I was already having a bit of a cough...
But came home and have a high fever...
Not fling good...
Body sore from gym cannot move...
Strained I more on the beach...
Worth it because I did have a good time...
But I just feel like crap right about now...
High fever...
Back to pads...
So high flow...
I don't know...
Just so weak...
Gonna go driving by the beach tonight like every othet night...
And hopefully I'll feel better...
Hopefully I hear "I love you" from her soon too...
Killing me inside...
If she doesn't...
Just...
Say...
So...
Please...

" I Love You " ...

Okay it seriously wouldn't kill her to just say it back...
Those simple 3 words...
Would make EVERYTHING beer and just give me this emotional relief...
Make my whole situation so much better...
And honestly...
If she doesn't feel that way about me...
She should just say so...
And so I'll just not expect to hear it anymore...
Just those 3 words...
If she doesn't love me...
She should just say so...
Just...
Say...
So...

" No Pain No Gain " ...

With my days though...
Nothing much really...
My days pretty much has been going back and forth as mentioned previously...
Gym...
Massaging my mom cracking her back and stretching her...
Going out with daddy for late night drives when he comes home just to get out a bit...
And then back to those nights...
I've been doing intense workouts...
Tomorrow my first personal training session with this new person because our regular left...
So yeah my body is in pain...
But no pain no gain right...?
I guess that applies to love...
To life...
To just getting by...
To your relationships...
You should feel pain...
And fighting through that pain...
And still seeing that it's worth it...
Yup that's your gain...
So relationships too...
No pain no gain...
No...
Pain...
No...
Gain...

" My Nights " ...

I lay down in bed every single night...

I don't know why I ever even bother... 

I never really close my eyes in peace... 

So well yeah... 

I just lay there... 

Awake... 

Until eventually... 

I just get up... 

Take the keys...
Drive over...
Pick up five beers...
Drive to the open beach...
Park over there...
Drink them...
Wait till the sun comes up till I fully sober up...
And then drive back early in the morning...
Mama has been so sick...
Just been back and forth from Khorfakkan to here...
Checking on Shan Di and mama...
She was always this weak...
Never told me...
Found out only after seeing her when I came back home...
Never noticed on Skype, or pictures, or even on the phone...
Always kept her smiling head up...
To not worry me...
Bad daughter...?
For sure...

" So Lost " ...

Shan Di is really sick...
She might go to Pakistan for treatment...
I'm just so worried for her...
Whatever little eye sight she has...
Could even be lost forever...
I'm gonna visit her everyday and drive there to make sure she's okay...
I just wish my love would just text me at least...
I miss her...
And I know that it's all my fault...
I've ruined everything...
For us...
For me...
For her...
I miss my princess and Razie...
I am just SO grateful that she still keeps me in the loop about my angels...
Even if she doesn't love me...
Just...
SO...
GRATEFUL...
So grateful to her for that...
Owe her a lot for putting her through this...
And despite it all keeping me updated...
God I love her so much...
Even if she doesn't love me back...
I...
Love...
Her...
SO...
FUCKING...
MUCH...

" Feeling Lonely " ...

I feel so alone...
Missing out more on my Princess...
I'm the only one who can change it...
But I can't...
It's complicated...
I know I left her feeling alone...
I know it's my fault...
I know I'm the one who left her alone...
It makes me feel like shit...
It's my fault...
I'm a horrible fucking person...
4 nights no sleep...
I miss my little girl...
My little Princess...
When she said "my little girl"...
Yes it stung...
And hurt...
I love them even Raz...
And I just miss them...
SO MUCH...
I...
Miss...
Them...

" Missing Her " ...

I miss her like crazy...
I haven't slept in 3 days now...
I just think of her...
I love her so much...
Even if she doesn't believe me...
I love her...
And I try my best to be with her...
I just hope that she just never forgets me...
I see why she never really did make it official...
She's scared she might forget me...
With me not giving her the same amount of attention...
Which is SO understandable...
But I'm just scared of being forgotten again...
I love her...
And I miss her to death...

" Hardest Ever Done " ...

I told her I didn't have time for her...
I want to make her feel like she didn't matter at all to me...
So she hates me...
So when she leaves this time...
Moves on...
It's for good...
And she doesn't come back...
She'll only come back if she think that I just don't care anymore...
Fuck knows I'm bloody in love with her...
But soon I'll be forgotten...
And if she thinks that I don't care...
I'll stay forgotten and she won't come back again...
I fucking need her...
But her staying away...
Means no more pain from me...
I'm like that piece of shit that sticks...
That you cannot get off no mater what you try...
I destroy everything that I touch...
I hurt and break everyone that I ever love...
I don't deserve to have her love...
And she deserves to be only happy...

" It's Just Hard " ...

I know that everything is my fault...
And yes I'm the only one who can change this...
But it's hard...
All it comes down to...
Is my parents just wanting the best for me...
They have it in their heads that this isn't the best for me...
Which I understand...
They won't even consider what I have to say...
Because their mind is sent on the idea of what's "best for me"...
I love her to death...
I really do...
And i hate myself for doing this...
But I love them as much as I love her...
They're both on the same level...
Which is saying a lot because my family is my everything...
And she's my family too...
So she's my everything too...
It's hard because if I do something...
That goes against their idea of what's "best for me"...
It just hurts them...
Because they feel like they have failed...
They feel that by letting me...
They're hurting me...
I know my parents...
Once they get it out of their heads...
The fact that...
I'm their "baby"...
Everything will be alright...
But it's just till then...
I'm trying to be with all of them...
I know I'm just hurting her...
And is something she'll never understand...
Which is totally understand...
Because she hasn't experienced what I have...
Which is not her fault at all...
And I'll never blame her for not getting it...
It's just unfortunate circumstances...
So that's all...
I love her more than words could ever describe...
Which is why I have to do the hardest thing ever...
Let her experience new things in the summer...
Let her be free...
From my controlling...
I don't want her to feel trapped...
Of course I'm gonna miss both my Princess and Razie...
Because they make my day with my Moppie...
But I have to let her go...
Even if it means risking to lose EVERYTHING...
The girls...my love...our life planned together...
She's right...
I'm not there for her...
And she deserves WAY better than me...
I'm not gonna see all my little angels...
And it hurts...
But I love her enough to let her get better things in life...
Be constantly happy...
If she still wants me after summer...
At least she knows it what she definitely wants...
If she's experienced everything there is...
And AFTER all of that still wants me...
Then good...
But if she finds something way better...
Still good...
Because then at least I know that she's happy...
At least I know that she could have been happier without me and took that chance...
I will NEVER love anybody in this whole world like I love her...
Never...
But its'a a risk that I am willing to take...
Because that means that she would be happy...
And that's worth it for me...
Even if that means losing everything...
At least...
She's...
Happy...

" Unfair " ...

This fucking sucks...

I'm leaving... 

Dad might have cancer... 

Cancer fucking breaks my heart... 

And dad!? 

Why the fuck is this happening?! 

Had 1 good dream and 4 nightmares last night... 

Exams... 

This summer... 

Her leaving me... 

And IDK why but her sister... 

Woke up sweating and crying... 

Didn't sleep at all... 

These nightmares have been happening a lot since the past week or so... 

Waking up sweating and crying... 

Same ones... 

EXACT SAME ONES... 

I just can't... 

I don't know why the fuck it's happening... 

But it fucking hurts... 

And I just don't know what to do... 

I hate myself... 

I hate life... 

I just fucking hate everything right now... 

Fucking... 

Hate... 

EVERYTHIHG... 

" Sadness " ...

4 months...
It shatters me...
And plus other things...
That made her leave me to begin with...
Just hurts...
I don't even know what it is...
But that lump in my throat...
That ache in my heart...
I just dunno...
The second she's back there...
I'm forgotten...
That's the harsh truth...
And it hurts...
I love her...
And that hurts...

" Summer " ...

A LOT of truth came out this morning...
Whenever there's a good situation...
I'm like this God...
Come a bad situation, and I'm ALL ONLY negative things...
All about the negativity...
And the reason that I'm low on self confidence very much...
Hate myself...
Is because the negativity about me in bad situations...
Is true...
I know it...
She knows it...
We all just do...
Good situations blinds her from this horrible beast that I call Nathania...
And EVERYTHING said this morning...
And all bad situations...
TRUE TRUE TRUE...
All of it true...
This summer just really scares me...
I'm scared...
What if she forgets again...
I know it will be my fault...
But nevertheless...
I'm just scared still...
I love her...
And I always will...
My heart can just never love another as I love her...
Never...
IF something goes wrong...
We go our separate ways...
I can never move on...
There's just too much over here...
The passion...
The love...
Heck even the fights...
I fucking am in love with her...
I fucking wanna be with her...
Have a big wedding...
Have a big family...
Be happy...
But the thing that I am scared of most...
Is breaking her heart by keeping her unhappy...
By fucking up again...
And again...
And again...
And...
Again...
Again...

" Don't Know Her Anymore " ...

So apparently...

She was pretty out of it last night... 

Which I didn't know until today... 

Which I should have known really... 

Because she was very open with me last night... 

I gave her this huge lecture (which she doesn't even remember...-_-)... 

But I saw genuine comfort in her face when I told her... 

However, some things were said by her... 

And suddenly... 

I just feel like I don't even know her anymore... 

And it's like glass shattering before your very own eyes... 

Like what... 

How...? 

And it just feels strange... 

Very strange... 

But do not get me wrong... 

I love her to death... 

Always have... 

Always will... 

I'm in love with her... 

But do I really know her...? 

I don't know... 

I... 

Don't... 

Know... 

 ...

" Forgot " ...

So okay today I was waiting...
And yeah it hurt a bit...
But I'm not gonna show it...
I mean it wasn't a big deal...
It just kinda hurt because we talked about it and I waited...
But oh well it happens...
Just gotta move past that...
It wasn't like it was done on purpose...
But still a part of me hurts...
For other reasons too...
But I shall never show it...
I'll just learn to live with it...
Or try my best to move past it...
Or just figure it out and deal with it myself...
Hurt...
But I'm okay...

" Today " ...

So today could NOT have gone better...
Just amazing...
My Princess just totally made my day...
It was amazing...
Spent time with my love...
It was super amazing...
And I just couldn't ask for ANYTHING better...
Most amazing day ever with my two babies...
BUT...
Still deep deep deep...
Down inside...
I'm still hurting...
I'm not gonna show it...
Because what good would that do...?
She'll just end up leaving again...
I'm dealing with things...
In my own way...
I am figuring it out...
And I'll be okay...
I hope...
I wish...
But amazing day today...
Just more and more in love with her...
Everyday...
Everyday...
Everyday...

" Fuck UP " ...

There's no doubt...
I'm a psychopathic fuck up...
I just screw everything up...
That's all I do...
I'm unloveable...
That's what I love about this blog...
I can say what I want without being judged about victimising...
I'm fucking in love with her...
But all I do is screw it up...
Good person...?
Fuck that...
You know what I am...?
A total fuck up...
That's what I am...
I fuck up peoples lives...
Probably shouldn't even be mates with my mate I went out with today...
I'll probably fuck up his life too...
I'll give him some advice that will fuck up his chances of being with the girl that he likes...
And by staying with my love...
Probably fuck up her life too...
All I thought about tonight...
That face that I just wanna kiss...love...
I'm looking at her as I write this...
Fuck...I love her...
I screwed up everything, I fucked up everything...
How could she ever love this creature...
Fuck up my brother's life...
My mum's life...
Daddy's...
All my babies...
Thither probably looking down at me...
Disappointment...
Fuck up...
Monster...
That's what I am...
Fuck up...

" Anything But a Liar " ...

The one thing that I cannot stand in the world is a liar...
I am not one.
I am not gonna be the one thing that I myself cannot stand...
The only reason for my concern...
Is for HER...
I'm worried for her...
Nothing else...
She apparently doesn't say anything...
But this is worse...
Mental torture...
Like yeah I'm not gonna miss you...
Like yeah I don't care what you do...
Or about you...
Like seriously...?
It might be a joke to her...
But to me it fucking hurts...
Burns...
Stings...
And it sucks...

" Confirmed " ...

It's confirmed... 

I'm toxic... 

I ruined her life... 

I'll just keep ruining everyone's... 

That's what I do... 

I should just stay away... 

Just stay away from everyone... 

And everything... 

Just stay... 

Away... 

 

" Toxic " ...

Not gonna speak and keep hanging up so she hates me...
I'm a toxic person and it's best for her my Princess and all of them if I just stay away...

I'm toxic... 

And she deserves way more and way better than me... 

It hurts so much... 

But sometimes doing what's best for others is the best thing you can do... 

No matter how you feel... 

I don't give a fuck if my heart is falling apart... 

Heck I fucking love her... 

And this is what is best for her right now... 

To be far far away from this toxic mess... 

Yes... 

I realised today and yesterday... 

I think of only myself... 

I'm selfish... 

I'm toxic... 

I love her but she cannot be with me... 

It will ruin her life... 

I'll ruin her life...
She says all of those praises about me...
Praising me...
How i'm amazing...
This, and that...
But I'm not...
I'm not a good person...
I don't do shit for anybody...
I don't care about anybody...
But myself...
I'm not that "good person" that everyone says that I am...
Good heart?...
Hell no that's not what I am... 

I'm toxic... 

Toxic... 

Toxic...

" Lose Interest " ...

Just that phrase...

It hurts... 

Like I'm some sort of item... 

I know it wasn't AT ALL meant like that... 

But remember this... 

EVEN FOR ME... 

I wasn't getting any of that... 

But I still NEVER forgot my heart... 

It should still be in your heart... 

If you truly love... 

You never forget... 

As SIMPLE as that... 

That should be ENOUGH to hang on... 

Heck she ACTUALLY BROKE UP... 

Gave me no hope... 

No attention for a lot of days... 

Kept constantly talking about someone else... 

But I hung on... 

I believed... 

I loved... 

Still love... 

So yes... 

Lost interest...? 

If she forgot so easily... 

She shouldn't even be in this... 

Right...? 

Lost... 

Confused... 

Hurt... 

" Part of Me Lost " ...

I had a good day today...
Went out with a mate...
Watched a hilarious movie...
But still...
Missed her like CRAZY...
Obviously not gonna show her that I was just completely lost without her...
But I did miss her...
SO MUCH...
I love her to death...
And I know that she was busy the whole day...
And so the last thing that I was is to be a bother...
But I need her and when I got back...
I just broke down and cried...
It's stupid but...
I miss her like a crazy monkey misses bananas !!
I miss her...
And I love her... :(

" Sharing " ...

Today was one of the best days ever... 

We spent an entire day together... 

I saw my two mates back together... 

I spent time with my baby... 

I cooked... 

But then... 

Comes the sharing... 

I share everything with her... 

EVERYTHING... 

She blackmails me and I share... 

And tbh...? 

It feels good talking to someone... 

I pour my heart out to her... 

And yes it does hurt... 

When she doesn't with me... 

Like I'm not worth talking to... 

Or more than that... 

Like she's not comfortable telling me... 

And yes it does suck... 

A LOT... 

And then comes the phone... 

I'll be waiting on the line... 

And BAM comes and BAM phone... 

Like okay...? 

You know what? 

I'm thus crazy control freak and I'm just not gonna say anything... 

I'll just sound like a freaking psychopath... 

Whatever... 

I'm just gonna have to deal with it I guess...? 

Sucks... 

 

" Nightmares " ...

Okay so I just feel like it's time to talk about this... 

Throughout my life... 

I've dealt with bad things in my life... 

By having nightmares... 

So basically I've had them all my life... 

If it's something as small as having my candy bar taken from me when i was 8... 

Or crayon when I was 4... 

I've just always had them whenever I have dealt with things in my life... 

Negative things... 

Just like I know what she means about me having intercourse with mu ex... 

I KNOW... 

Because I have them too... 

Sometimes a freaking orgy with S, S, A, T...EVERYONE... 

It fucking sucks... 

Some dreams she dies... 

Some dreams she leaves... 

Some dreams she celebrates when I leave... 

I don't know... 

Just basically some really fucked up shit... 

I've had these kinds throughout my relationship with her... 

And that's why just a "CRUSH" makes me feel just so insecure... 

Because it's just me... 

I just see these things... 

It MAKES ME insecure... 

And yes it sucks by how much it hurts... 

And what sucks even more... 

Is that I KNOW deep down that these flings and crushes and stuff means absolutely NOTHING... 

BUT... 

That's what sucks, that DESPITE knowing all of these things...that I just STILL feel like this shit... 

Maybe I just love her too much...? 

I don't know... 

All I know is that I'm in love with her... 

And loving her hurts because of how I make myself feel... 

So yeah... 

I just do not know... 

All i do know is that yes like I had said earlier... 

I love her... 

I FUCKING AM IN FUCKING LOVE WITH HER... 

 

" The Copyright " ...

Dear Ishara Rosiek…
You complete me…
Like how roots hold a tree…
[You look into my eyes…
And just like that time flies…
You make me happy when I am sad…
Making good days from my bad…
Our cuddles in the morning shine so bright…
In the darkness you are my guiding light…
Together we make the world go round…
And at nights you help me sleep so sound…
When you make me smile…
I feel like I can run that extra mile…
You give me so much energy and love…
You take me to a place so high above…
Ishara Rosiek make me yours forever…
So happy we’ll be eternally together…
Beyond the norms of life…
I’ll me your loyal wife…
Through sickness and in health they say…
Through your happiest and roughest day…
I love you my soulmate…
Without you I fear my fate…
Together we’ll make 8 beautiful loves…
Sent from the purest of doves…
Souls so innocent smell so pure…
Forever your love I shall endure…
Ishara Ishara Ishara my love…
Make me yours forever…happier than the above…
When you leave me I'm so torn and broken...
You heart is my only token...
Token to my future life...
Oh Ishara Rosiek make me your loyal wife...

" Stings a Bit " ...

I don't know why, but I just woke up feeling a bit down today...
Just depressed you know...
I guess reality just hit me...
Let's be honest and face the facts...
No matter how we are...
Which I just absolutely love how it's going...
The reality is that we are not together...
And I don't know why it twists my heart a little bit...
Because this, whatever we are...
Who knows how long it shall last...
You know...?
And I mean...
I don't know I'm just scared...
This whole thing is just scary...
I love her to death...
But I'm also just scared to death also too...
And when baby just idk didn't say bye to me...
It was like as if that reality came true...
I don't know it's stupid...
And I know that my Princess loves me...
But I guess it just felt worse because of how I felt when I woke up...
You know...?
Idk...
I just don't know...
Don't know...

" Bleeding " ...

My heart just feels like it's bleeding... 

We made sweet love last night and it was MAGIC... 

Magic... 

I'm SO in love with her... 

Drank last night... 

Why...? 

I don't know everything is just so confusing... 

I love her but I cannot have her... 

She loves me but she cannot have me... 

I just do not know... 

I'm just so lost right now... 

But I was fucking jealous last night... 

If my first love got married you know what...? 

I wouldn't even feel a thing... 

In fact I would attend it and celebrate it... 

Yes that hurt... 

Stung SO bad... 

I mean like... 

A dream...? 

Come on man... 

It just fucking hurts... 

 

" Family ' ...

According to her I'm just a passing cloud in her life...
Heck she's my family...
Girlfriend's come and go...
Wow so she just follows that like a sheep?
What happened to all of those times that she had called me family...
Heck CORRECTED me when I said something else...
It hurts like crazy...
You know why it hurts when she said "yeah when I'm there don't feel bad but I don't really miss you"...
"I miss you most during nights and days...but not there"...
"I look forward to Skyping with you when I come home because there it's a nice atmosphere..."
FUCK I FUCKING MISS HER...
Even when I'm with my fucking brother...
He's my ENTIRE LIFE...
My mother...father...I'll text her whenever I can...
But her?
Oh no she's with family...
You know why I miss her!?
BECAUSE SHE IS MY FUCKING FAMILY...
But me...?
LOL no...
I'm a fucking passing cloud...
Need me only when it's not a "good atmosphere"?
Those nights over there you get what I give you always...
So you don't fucking miss me!?
That is FUCKING BULLSHIT...
I'm in my mothers arms the weekends...
The safest place in the ENTIRE world...
And I still FUCKING MISS YOU...
She cheated on me!?
FUCKING BULLSHIT...
I'M JUST SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HER...
And it fucking hurts...
FUCKING HURTS...
Hurts...

" Just Friends Right...? " ...

I'm in love with her...
But we're friends...
Yes I'm pissed...
Time to snap...
Got online...
But not ONE message...
I shouldn't expect anything right...?
Just friends right...?
Well I expect...
Jesus Christ I'm fucking in love with her...
To the point that it HURTS so bad...
Sucks when you're in love...
And want something that the other person doesn't...
Love...
Commitment...
And I'm just so stuck...
It hurts so bad...
And I'm so stuck...

" Leaving " ...

Whenever I think of her...

Whenever she makes me feel loved... 

It just floods back in... 

Her leaving... 

And feelings from all of those times that she left... 

Just comes back... 

All at once... 

That clench in my heart... 

I love her... 

But I don't know if I can ever be with her... 

What if she just leaves again...? 

" My Love " ...

Broke my heart to see my baby all broken down like that...:(

And about my love... 

I don't know... 

What are we...? 

I know that we both do not want to rush... 

It's the last thing that both of us want to do... 

And I know that she loves me... 

But there were some things that she had said... 

That really hurt me... 

And it still stings... 

A LOT... 

Firstly the things that were said... 

Secondly... 

The fact that we both know that we love each other... 

But still just cannot do anything about it... 

I love her... 

I want her... 

This is a LONG summer and my heart is loyal... 

But this summer just terrifies me... 

Terrifies me so much... 

So much... 

" Awkward? " ...

So this is just SUPER embarrassing...
But well I have to put everything on here...
Okay so today when I went to shower after college...
I thought about our kiss...
Then I thought of her...
Kissing me...
Everywhere...
Okay no details...
But yeah thought of much more...
And well...
I ended up touching myself in the shower...
To the thought of her rubbing down on me...
Fully...
And I finished 3 times...
And it felt amazing...
PMS hormones?
Absolutely.
Loved it?
DUH...!!
:$ :$ :$ :$ :$ ...

" My Princess " ...

Spent the whole day almost with her...
And of course my Princess...
She ALWAYS makes my day...
And she is the one person who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY...
She is my sunshine...
She makes me SO happy...
I wish she always loves me this way...
And honestly I do believe that she will ALWAYS love me...
I love her TO DEATH and even after that FOREVER...
Breaks my heart every time she cries...
Today I cried so much...
Because tears just DO NOT belong in those perfect eyes...
I miss her SO much...
And I'd do absolutely ANYTHING for my Angel...
My Princess...
I LOVE YOU...!!

" KISS " ...

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
WE KISSED
OMG
OMG
OMG
I CAN'T EVEN...
IT FELT AMAZING...
OMG I CANNOT BREATHE...
Okay so let's just never talk about it again and pretend it never happened...
That's what we're doing I think...?
But yeah...
We kissed and I know it...
And it was amazing...
And even if we do not talk about it...
I KNOW THAT IT HAPPENED AND OMG... !!
But why...?
Because she's the one that kissed me first...
Just honestly...
Why...?

" Sleep " ...

It's SO hard not to kiss her...
Say that i love her...
Apparently I said that I loved her...
Before I fell asleep...O.O
I do not even remember that...
We slept together last night...
BEST feeling ever in a long time...
Finally slept after 2 weeks...
Finally ate after like 2 weeks...
But yes I still do miss her...
Of course...
I love her so much...
SO MUCH...
I LOVE HER ... !!

" The Pact " ...

So...when I was talking about making a pact for my mates...
I actually meant with her...
Her and me...
Till the end of the summer...
I wanna do that like SO bad...
But...
I'm just SO scared...
Because this pact isn't a "sure" thing...
Okay so from my side...
It's all good...
But what if she starts dating someone...
But meets someone that she loves in that way...
The hope given and then CRUSHED...
Yes...
This is giving me hope...
And IF that happens and the pact fails...
I WOULD JUST DIE INSIDE...

" I Miss Her " ...

I love her to the moon and back and even more after that too...haha that was our thing...
I just love her so much...
And I miss her...
What more is there to say...

" Trust " ...

So I just had a heart to heart with her...
Yes it does hurt like I bitch...
But I'd rather have her in my life as whatever she wants and is comfortable with...
Than to just lose her fully...
It was okay for her to delete my pictures and our whole relationship...not saying easy but in the end she did it...
But for me I just cannot erase what literally saved my entire life...existence...
And I just wanna kiss her...
Cuddle her...
Love her...
Her love me...
Show that she loves me...
Like before...
But yes...
It does hurt that it will NEVER be...
But she's still here right...?
But then ALREADY...
Talking about another crush...
I'm sorry but you broke my heart and then replaced me...
And say that you care...!?
That STABBED me...
HURT SO BAD...
Like why...?
Why always...?
I just cannot...
But I still fucking trust her with my life...
She saved it...
Yes...2 years 7 months and 17 days ago...
She SAVED ME...
But it just fucking hurts...
I'm just here crying...
I'm not even a BIT tired or sleepy...
Fucking day light outside...
I'm gonna get just a bit tipsy...
Need to get to class...
But I am also human...
And I just need to numb myself a bit...
God it fucking burns...
And the tears make my eyes burn...

" LOL " ...

I am taling to my mate Mohaseb...

And he likes me... 

And we laugh so hard... 

And he's awesome... 

But it just feels so wrong... 

Like I love him as a friend... 

I love being around him... 

But it feels wrong to go more than that... 

He's visiting next month and wants to see me... 

And I just don't know... 

I love her... 

I love her SO much... 

I'm IN love with this girl !! 

ARGH I LOVE HER SO MUCH !! 

So yeah LOL... 

IM FUCKING STUCK YAY LOL !! ... 

TIME TO GET DRUNK NOW !! :'D... 

" Why " ...

I kissed her last night...

I remembered every bit of that... 

Even if it was for a second... 

That second time stopped... 

That second of happiness... 

Like it was all okay... 

But then after that second... 

The next second... 

I died inside... 

Knowing it was not what it was... 

Spent the whole of last night crying... 

No sleep... 

Broken inside... 

She thinks I'm strong... 

When we text I put on a brave face... 

But i just want her back so bad... 

To be in her arms... 

To feel safe again... 

Everyone is leaving... 

The problem daddy had in the winter break... 

With his heart... 

It never fully went away... 

Thatha left me... 

Carmella might have cancer...just got back from the vet... 

Like why...? 

Just...why...? 

I just want my Thatha back... 

I just want my daddy to be okay... 

i just wanna be in her arms... 

I just wanna crawl there and close my eyes forever in her arms...die peacefully... 

I just want her back... 

Why... 

Why... 

Why...? 

" Numb 2 " ...

Just spending the whole day in bed today...
Just so numb inside...
I spent the whole day putting on a face for people...
Otherwise I have to talk and if I do I will just break down...
The only people who know are Rewan and Habab...
Everything...
They know that I'm the asshole in this whole situation...
They still love her...
Which is important...
Just because I am their friends and i'm the one who screwed up they should know...
I'm just so hurt inside right now...
Hurt...Numb...?
Who knows...
I just wanna hide away forever...
Spoke to Thatha today...
I miss him...
I miss how it used to be...
How I was always his little girl...
I'm just so dead inside right now...
Why did he have to leave me...?
Why...
Why...
Why...

" Last Night's Nightmare " ...

So yeah...
I got super plastered last night...
WASTED...
I thought that Habab was Ishara and I kissed her before coming up to my room...
And yeah I did the most retarded thing and cliche thing ever...
I called the Ex...
GOD I love her so much...
I just miss her love...
I miss her SO much...
I miss everything...
I want her back so bad...
I want her to be mine...
I want her...
I love her...
I cried myself to sleep last night...
I do not remember very much...
But my Snaps were interesting...
And I just got like an hour of sleep...
I feel dead...
I look dead...
And I'm just dead inside...
I threw up twice once last night and once this morning...
It felt good...
To numb myself...
I haven't slept in AGES I just want to be in her arms...
And just die in her arms...
It hurts SO bad and I just want her love...
Why doesn't she love me anymore...?
Am I that bad...?
I be that she just doesn't even miss me...
I love her so much...
Please let her love me again...
Please I beg you...
I dunno who I'm even begging...
But just PLEASE bring her back to me...
It hurts SO bad...
SO BAD...
Bad...

" IDK " ...

Okay first things first...
I SAW MY BABIES !!
OMG THEY'RE SO BEAUTIFUL AND I JUST MISS THEM ALL SO MUCH...

Secondly...
I just miss her SO much and I'm just SO in love with her to the point that it just HURTS...
So yeah...
I just do not know...
idk...

" Numb "...

So I am kinda sorta wasted !! 

LOL okay no pleasantly buzzed !! :P 

Later me and my mate Habab are gonna get plastered !! 

I'm numb... 

And you know what? 

I DO NOT CARE !! 

If they catch us I could get kicked out... 

And you know what? 

I DON'T CARE !! :'D 

LOL !! 

Fuck You All. 

CIAOOOOO !! :* 

 

" Good People Eat Shit Always " ...

So...
My brother just lost his job because someone in his company stole most of their money and ran away...
And since he was part owner...
Yeah...that sucks...
He's a good person...
The BEST in fact...
JUST like my grandfather...
What happened to him? 
Lost his job...
What happened to my grandfather?
Died of Cancer...
Why the FUCK does bad stuff happen to the best people...!?
Okay me...
I'm falling apart...
Probably failing all of my courses...
Heartbroken...
No purpose in life...
At least I deserve it...
IT'S ALL MY FAULT...
But them...?
GOD DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST...
OR ELSE THESE AMAZING PEOPLE LIKE MY BROTHER AND GRANDFATHER WOULDN'T BE SUFFERING SO GOD DAMMNED MUCH !! ...
Fuck you all.
K. Bye.

" I Just Miss Her So Much " ...

You shouldn't miss someone...
To the point it hurts...
In the pit of your stomach...
Like you're being stabbed...
Over...
And over...
And over again...
Constant pain when she's in your head...
Constant hurt when she's on your mind...
Why...?
Why does your heart hurt so much...?
Because she'll forever BE in it...
I promised to NEVER leave...
She was CRYING AND BEGGING me...
Not to go...
Promise that she'd never leave me...
And I am such a DUMB FUCK...
To just FALL BACK...
On all of these blunt promises...
Over and over again...
When am I gonna learn...
To just stop being so naive...
That it's JUST YOU in this world...
Nobody gives a flying fuck about you...
A shit about you...
TRUST NOBODY...
HELL NO !!
Fuck everyone who "claims" that I'm their "forever" or any of that BULLSHIT...

" It's Just So Hard " ...

So I got in touch with a long lost friend.
Haven't spoken in maybe 2 years.
I think he likes me.
I mean he's an amazing guy. 
And he knows I'm single...
Which is what sucks...
Because I don't want anything ever...
I can never do that to anybody at all...
Promise them my heart...
When it already belongs to another...
My heart shall forever be hers...
I've been avoiding him lately...
It's just so hard to tell him...
"Sorry I'm fucked up...I come with Baggage...My heart shall NEVER fully be yours...and my jealousy feelings will fuck up this relationship" ...
Maybe I just should...
But he's a WONDERFUL guy...
Mohaseb...
But I just CANNOT...
I cannot let my heart love again...
Because I'll just never trust ANYBODY again...
NEVER...

" What Upsets Me The Most " ...

Honestly...what upsets me the most...
Is my heart...
Yes...
My own heart...
The fact that I let it love...
Just opens it for disappointment...
Why do I let my heart love...?
Why do I set it up to be broken...?
Today was the worst day of my life... 

I LET HIM GO...
I miss my love...Who I left 4 years ago...
I miss him so much...
I constantly keep thinking...
How my life...and everything would just be different if he hadn't gone...
If he had just stayed...
My life would just be so different if he had just stayed...
My heart wouldn't be so broken...
Why did he leave...
And break my heart...
I let it be broken...
By just caring too much...
When things are going well...
I just DO NOT exist...
But then she misses me...
But you know what? ...
She just misses the IDEA of me...
The idea of someone who's just ALWAYS there...
NO MATTER WHAT...
Yes I'm a FUCKING IDIOT but also yes...
I am ALWAYS and always will be there for her...
Whenever she needs me...
And then leaves me when "she's happy"...
Or happier without me...
When we're JUST together...
It's ONLY me...
Amazing...
PURE LOVE...
Or "love" ...
After that it's like the love is less...
Why didn't he stay...
So that my heart just wouldn't be so broken inside...
4 years ago...
But something that I'll never forget...
Never...
Forever and always love him...
No matter what...
True love...
Love...love...love...

" Forever " ...

Nothing seems to have changed...
I thought going away would take away the pain...
The loss...
But no...
It's still very much there...
I'm so in love...
To the point that it just hurts...
Me and my friend are sneaking vodka into our housing on Saturday...
I need that...
I need to numb myself...
I miss my princess...
So much...
She always made my day...
More than anything...
Losing all of my babies...
My Princess...
My Bucky Baby...
My Happy Baby...
My STAR...
All of them...
And THAT hurts the most...
I'm not even worth defending...
Even if in my wildest dreams she wants me back...
I cannot...
The WHOLE family probably thinks that I'm a psychopath...
I bet she didn't tell her...
Who was there when she had nobody...
When she was alone...
Homeless...
Who was there...
I bet she didn't tell her...
That I stayed despite the Catfish...
That HECK I accepted a child for her...
I bet she told her none of that...
I'm not even worth defending...
Not even worth FIGHTING for...
I think about Ron...Sam...Her...
Never was I worth fighting for...
Defending...
And worst of all...
Staying with...
Not even worth staying with...
Nopes...
I...
Am...
Not...

" Need To Escape " ...

I'm going back home in just a little while...
Just need to get away and never come back...
I need her so much...
It's just so hard...
That feeling in my heart every time that I miss her...
It's like someone is squeezing it...
But it's okay...
I'll plaster a smile on my face and just hope for the best...
Bfs and gfs come and go she said...
Family always comes first...
Funny...
Thought that I was family...
But it's okay...
It is what it is...
"Oh 3 years and you never met. Try meeting real people"...
Exactly what mama told me...
But she was worth fighting for...
I FOUGHT...
Even with EVERYTHING everyone told me...
My mother is literally my everything...
And she's going through SO much at home right now...
I tell her weekends that I stay...and even though she just says okay have fun !! ...
I hear past that...
The pain...
The guilt that I feel...

1. When they found out when I was still in school... 

Beatings everyday...
No phone...
Silent treatment...
I still Skyped her SOMEHOW...
I spent days with her...
Stayed up on school nights so she could sleep to my voice...
Stay up while my parents were at home...
Shitting myself as to when they might suddenly come in...
But NEVER show it just so she would feel safe with me...
Spent all my free school hours with her...
Bought a new phone to just talk to her...
Even when she was kicked out of the house...the first time at that time...
I still spent hours with her...
Homeless...
I was there...
AND I STILL FUCKING FOUGHT !!...
I FUCKING TRIED !!...
When everyone even my EVERYTHING (my mother) was SO synycal about the distance...
I stayed and I fucking fought...
AND THAT'S WHAT FUCKING HURTS...
It was torture...
Everytime I got back home...
She gets upset that I won't be there for her...
Forget her...
Meet someone else...
You see...
Spent the entire night thinking about what bothers me...
It's not HER...
It's the fact that she just forgets me...
If you think about it...
It's the SAME thing...
I realised...
It's not jealousy...
Heck not even her...
It's the fact that I'm replaced and forgotten...
Which really...
She should understand because it's what she feels too...
Not anymore obviously...
I bet that I'm not even missed...
But yes that's what she always felt...
And THAT'S what bothers me SO much...
And that's why I never understood what I felt...
It's because EVERYWHERE she goes she sends me at least one message tries to be with me...
Except there...
There I do not even EXIST...
And THAT is what scares me...
She'll just never understand and heck...
She'll never accept that yes it is the SAME...
Different ways but the same feeling...
And with this epiphany...
It doesn't even bother me anymore...
But what does...
Is that there was a promise made...
To at least send me SOMETHING...
And it was broken like EVERYTHING else...
Even when I had NO phone... at least an email when I went MILES away...at least 5 a day...
Just so that she isn't scared and that she knows that I'm RIGHT with her...
My heart and these empty promises...
Just broken...
It's not that I cannot accept her...
Heck I realised it was never even ABOUT her...
And that just fucks up my brain...
Idk what's what...
What I feel...
I just know that it's emptiness...
Nothingness...
This time it's real and it kills me inside...

" It Burns " ...

A part of me just died.
I try to keep myself occupied...
Alcohol...
Cigarettes...
Just to numb myself...
Skipping classes...
I have been abusing substances this whole weekend...
I knew what would happen...
And I also knew since she said goodbye before the weekend...
That yes...
This really was goodbye...
I don't know why...
But I felt it...
And I started channelling myself through my art...
Through watching movies...
To not think of her anymore...
Blocked her...
Heck even uninstalled QuizUp...
Snapchat...
Deactivated and uninstalled Facebook and snapchat for now...
Every time i keep myself occupied she always comes and my heart just caves in on itself...
Let's face it...
It's easy for her to "function" without me which is okay because thats's good that she's good...
But unfortunately for me...
I need her...
Like a retard sitting constantly by my phone hoping she'd text...
Realising that wait...
I don't have her...
It's gone...
Over...
I knew...
Because every time she goes...
It's over...
Sure maybe some things I do not understand and can never accept...
But let's be real...
It's a fact...
She forgets me every time...
And every visit...
She broke up with me...
It hurts...
I blocked her from everything because I do not want her to see me breaking...
Every time she broke my heart...
I'd go crying to her and it made me realise...
That it's only because I was pathetic she came back to me...
Not love...
I believe that okay she loves me...
But she just cannot keep leaving...
When we got back together I told her my issues...
And I asked her SPECIFICALLY...
IF I SAY YES YOU CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS...
She knew my issues and STILL decided that she wanted to be with me...
She PROMISED that she wouldn't ever leave me...
That when she sees me with someone else it drives her INSANE...
But I just guess that it was just something to please me...
You know what...?
At this point i just DO NOT KNOW...
I cannot believe that I fell for this again...
I didn't even tell her that I was leaving...
And BAM she started CRYING that I was leaving her...
BEGGED me not to...
MADE ME promise...
I'm just such a FUCKING DUMBASS IDIOT...
Who'll just never find love...
Never...
I love her...
And I just always will...
But oh well...
That's why I'm such an idiot...
I'd come running back to your arms...
Right now...
I'm going home early on Wednesday...
Sitting alone in my room...
It just drives me crazy...
I just wanna get away...
I'm never moving on...
Never...
I'll ALWAYS love her...
But she just keeps hurting me...
BUT it's my fault...
It's not my fault that I have my issues...
Because she makes me feel like it's an issue...
And she just proved me right...
Went there...
Forgot me...
And broke up with me...
What's new...
But it's my fault for letting myself feel that way...
She's an AMAZING person but a threat to me...
Because she steals what I share with her...
And it's MY FAULT...
For feeling that way...
I just do not know right now...
I started cutting again...
I just feel so alone right now...
My escape...
Just...
Lost...
Gone...
And quite frankly I just cannot right now...

" And Last But Not Least " ...

Of course. Last but by hi means the least. They will forget you VERY soon. Just one more day to go in fact. Just you wait and see...

" Was I Just Always Blind " ...

Now I'm not at ALL trying to glorify myself...
But I would go through all ends of the world to make them smile...
Especially seeing them in such pain...
No matter what we are or my mood at the time...
If ever see the pain I would want to take that away NO MATTER WHAT...
And I have...I ALWAYS have...
I have just cooled off from one of my "break-down phases" ...
And I just realised...
That they are kind of insensitive...
Me being a totally wrong bitch...?
Maybe...
But right now...
They just clearly DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK about me right now...
None...
Like as if my tears have just lost ALL value...
Worthless...
Nothing...
Absolutely...
Just nothing...
Nothing...

" Self - Finding " ...

It just hit me as I said it...
Till I figure myself out...
I'm hopeless...
Till I find my happiness...
I am hopeless...
Till I learn yo love myself...
I am hopeless...
Till I don't feel alone anymore...
I am hopeless...
It feels like I have just been drowned...
In the darkness...
That empty void...
Sucked in...
Gasping for breath...
Lings filling up...
With nothing...
That emptiness...
Nothing but emptiness...
In my heart...
My soul...
Nothing...
And I have to save myself...
Because in the end nobody cares enough to save me...
But me...

" Gone Again " ...

It's lost again...
The love that she had for me...
All of that love is gone...
Gone...
I feel so unloved in this world...
The one person that I could count on...
And now I have lost it...
It's gone...
Alone in this world...
Feeling alone...
Lost...
Lost and alone...

" Back In Time " ...

I wish that I could just go back in time...
To two and a half years ago...
Heck...just days ago...
When I felt wanted...
Loved...
Appreciated...
Just...
Loved...
I miss it...
I miss being totally loved...
Yes...
I miss it...
Love...love...love...
Just that little bit of love...

" A Bad Person " ...

And now I question everything...
Okay yes I am synycal about myself...
But one thing I always believed was that doing good would bring good in your life...
And now I am doomed to bad things...
This is because the one thing I did...
Was good so good would happen to me...
But now...?
I'm just bad...
All around...
Even that one thing...
Doing good...
Is gone...
I'm destined for bad things...
Bad things only can happen to me...
Bad...

" I Hate Myself " ...

I hate myself for thinking things could be better...
I hate myself for thinking that I could be happy again...
I hate myself for thinking I was one person again...
Who the fuck am I...
I hate myself for feeling like this...
I hate myself for giving myself false hope...
I hate myself for thinking a monster like me could ever be loved...
I just hate myself...

" Too Good To Be True " ...

I knew the moment I started to feel safe again...
Loved again...
Wanted again...
It was too good to be true...
I was scared of it...
SO scared...
I wanted to pull back...
But I had just missed it so much...
That I was sucked in again...
Sucked into the dilemma that yes...
You can actually make someone happy...
But me?
All I come with is a main course if heartache with a side of pain ...
Yup that's me ...
Pain ...

" My Alter Ego " ...

When the whole world seems like a split second...
Yeah a split...
When they don't get you...
When you don't even get you...
Who are you...?
When you become someone else...
And that's the flaws everyone points out in you...
Not you...
Then who...?
But who...?
Who is that person...?
Who are you...?
Who...?
...

" Don't know Anymore " ...

It is as simple as it is...I just do not know anymore...