" Love " ...

I love her and I'm happy.

" Sick " ...

I just feel stressed.
Today I had a heart to heart with my mate.
I am just so stressed with everything going on in college.
And worst of all my mind feels blank...
My heart feels empty without her in my life...
That adds a massive stress in my life...
Yes I love it when she needs me...
Like yes I'm worth something in this relationship.
But now I just feel so worthless...
In this relationship...
In college...
In my life...
It's like everyone is moving on without me...
Today I got physically sick...
Five times...
The stress...
The heartbreak...
I just do not know what is what anymore...
Yes...
Heart break...
My heart is broken...
Broken...

" Cutting " ...

I am cutting right now... 

I stopped mid way and a scary thought came to me... 

There's nothing stopping me right now... 

Nothing... 

I have nothing stopping me from just slashing my flesh... 

Nothing stopping me from hurting myself... 

Nothing stopping me from ending it all... 

Nothing at all... 

My parents will be fine without me... 

My brother has his own life... 

My love wants nothing to do with me... 

My princess hates me... 

Soon I'll be alone in my room...

I just want to end it all right now... 

 

" What...? " ...

What am I even doing anymore?
What is life anymore?
What is my purpose anymore?
What is the world anymore?
Everything crumbling down...
Everything a whirling mess of problems...
Everything falling apart...
My purpose destroyed...
My baby hates me...
My love hates me...
I want them all back...
My father...
My everything...
My Thatha...
I miss you Thatha...
I miss you so much...
I wish you were here...
To tell me what to do...
To tell me that everything will be okay...
To tell me that my princess will love me again...
To tell me that SHE will be mine again...
Please Thatha...
I miss you...
Please come back...
Please...
I meed you...
Please...

" By Myself " ...

This is a fact and it's time that I have faced it. I am all by myself when it comes to dealing with my emotional world. I used to have only her I could say anything to. She cared about me she was always worried about me. I miss that honestly. Lately she's just given up on me. Whenever I share a problem it's like I am "gaining sympathy" or "victimizing myself" But no all I really want is JUST some moral support. I miss my baby girl I miss her and all she does is rub in the fact that I have missed her whole life. I shall ALWAYS regret that...always...she said she'd never do what I did to her about that fake date. This is worse...keeping my angel from me...my heart breaks. It does. But the truth? I feel alone. Just like that time that I was molested. Nobody believed me. She even accused me of wanting it...liking it...yes I felt alone. Whenever I go through something emotionally because of home...yes I am alone. She always compares her problems to mine. I never do that I listen to her support her even when she talk about hers for hours. But I never have that support...never...yes I understand your problems. Yes I do...but please understand mine this is not a competition...
My father is moving out because of the divorce. Nothing else. He is abandoning me and everything and going away for a week with his new girlfriend. He has kept this no secret. I love him I love my father he is my father but I just cannot deal with this right now. My mother is having a mental breakdown because the reason for him going away and with who was told to us last night. I lashed out and threw my phone on him and it stopped working. I have to get a new one. That's an excuse that I used to not get "sympathy" I feel so alone...

" Confused? " ...

I don't know what it is...
But she is suddenly in love with me...
Suddenly all over me...
I don't get it...
But don't get me wrong...
I LOVE IT !! :D
I am just SO happy.
I LOVE HER !!
BUT...
Let's face the facts...
We are not together...:'(
Yes, that makes me sad...
But I shall never show it...
And yes...
Small comments like that...
That I missed a lot of my Princess's...
Yes that will always burn my heart...
Yes even though it isn't my fault...
I am gonna always regret missing my baby...
It will always leave a hollow mark in my heart.
But that still leaves me confused...
We are clearly not together and never will be...
So why all of this...?
Huh...?
Hm...?
Confused...

" A New Beginning " ...

Wow today actually felt like a start. I stopped moping around. I'm completely honest and open with everything that I am feeling and I just feel so free. That she knows. That everything just feels so right again. No fight. No pain. Only love. True love. I love her.
Okay I am being honest. I feel lust towards her...I cannot help it :S
But does it feel wrong? No. I love her...that's why it just doesn't feel wrong like AT ALL.

" Cutting " ...

I am scared of who I am becoming...
I am scared of being enveloped in the dark...
It's like a darkness has taken me over...
It's like I just cannot control myself...
I do bad things...
I have become a bad person...
I do not care about my body...
I do not care what happens to me...
I just do not care anymore...
About life...
About my soul...
About my heart...
My broken heart...
My beaten heart...
It's beaten so much, there's no beats left...
No more life left in it...
No more happiness left in my heart...
I am cutting now...
Cutting has made me dark...
Cutting...
I'm just a body going about my life right now...
No soul...
Nothing...
Nothingness...
Emptiness...
Come back to me...

" I Screwed Up " ...

I screwed up really bad...
All I just wanted to do was to make her realise that she wants me...
But I screwed up really bad...
I miss her...
I love her...
I cannot stop cutting...
I want to stop cutting...
But I can't...:'(
I am scared...
I'm losing it...
I lost her...
I am fucking scared...
:'(...

" Hard " ...

I was trying to get my mind off her the whole day. I couldn't, she's my weakness. So I finally texted her, called her...but she never answered and I guess she hates me...she's tired of me...it's over...I just feel so lost...I want her...I want love...I want her love...The pain that I feel inside is unbearable...No physical pain can ever even compare to it.
I started cutting again today...and I just cannot hold it in anymore...The blood the pain it felt good...I felt free...I felt liberated...I love her...I miss her...cutting...just feels so good...

" I Just Miss Her " ...

Todays' post is just I miss her so much...last night with my Princess I just felt like a family. Putting her to bed, laying with her...kissing her goodnight. Waiting up together for her and then just watching over her the whole time...laying with her all three of us together...I feel like an actual family. Then it hit me...we'd never be that...I'll NEVER have that with her...and it stung me. It hurt me so much. And the kind of pain that I feel right now is just such a stab to my heart...I want that...I want her...I miss her...I love her...I miss her...

" Coming out " ...

I never want to talk to anybody about this but my therapist. Not my friends not anybody. But i just couldn't help myself last night. I was all alone yesterday. I was all in the dark and so depressed. She saw me say to my love "Whore?" and she was like what is this all about? I didn't wanna talk about anything. My mate noticed it and told me to spend the night at her place. I went and we were talking about her crush and so we ate we watched a movie at her place and then she asked me "What's going on with you". When I said that nothing was she said "Come on tell me." So I spilled my heart out and told her everything. About the breakup. About our conversations. Everything. She asked me why I am constantly letting her "walk all over me". Why I was letting her abuse me. Why I'm with someone who I am not happy with. She said that she noticed this a lot. About how I always smile (because that's just me) but also about how she knows just exactly what's going on deep inside. Apparently a bunch of them talked about it too. About how she is very dominating. I told her that I don't know why I am just so deep in love with her to do and be like this. I guess it's because she is my future. I see her in everything...I dream about her every single night...I get nightmares though too...about her drooling over her abs about how they are dating and so happy and that "abs" (that's what I'll call her from right now) was giving her everything that I couldn't like physical touch. I wake up sweating. She is always in my head in my life plan in everything...And I just cannot live without her I JUST CAN'T. My mate said and told me that no matter what she is going through that she can just never treat me like this or ever call me that again. And that I need to stand up for myself and put my foot down. That she is older and that's why she is doing this. That she is just taking advantage of how I am as a person which is just this. But I love her and I refuse to open up to my mates because their opinion is not welcome. They just don't get it or understand it. I love them to death no doubt especially "N" but I am sorry they just do not get this part of me. No doubt she understands me so fully and so much but just not my relationship. I am heart broken and I want her back. I long to kiss her. I long to be a couple with her and flirt with her. Be her everything...I'm not anymore...I'm just not...but i miss her...and I shall ALWAYS love her...always... 

 

" Pushing Me Away " ...

I feel like sometimes when you tell me that you love me you just don't mean it.
That ring was a symbol of our love.
That ring was everything to us.
That ring was everything to me...
The second you said that it was over...
You stopped wearing it.
How can you still tell me that you love me?
You took off the symbol of our love.
It wasn't a symbol of us being together.
No.
It was a symbol that you still love me...
That you'll always love me.
I guess that it's too much to expect...
After all I have done to hurt you...
After making you wait...
When you deserve everything in this whole world...
You need that physical touch.
And yes, someone can give you that.
Yes you dreaming about her hurt.
It was like kicking me in the face.
Her abs are gorgeous she's beautiful.
You used to tell me i'm perfect.
How does her having abs be gorgeous when that's not what you want?
Clearly you do.
And for the FIRST TIME EVER.
You told me to go to the gym.
You know what?
I just give up on my body.
I just don't give a fuck about it anyways.
I just give up on life to be honest...
I just honestly cannot be the one always running behind you saving this relationship...
Yes I love you and I always will...
But you have to realise that yourself...
And I'll be right here...
Waiting...
Forever if that's what it takes...
For you...
You...