" What Upsets Me The Most " ...

Honestly...what upsets me the most...
Is my heart...
Yes...
My own heart...
The fact that I let it love...
Just opens it for disappointment...
Why do I let my heart love...?
Why do I set it up to be broken...?
Today was the worst day of my life... 

I LET HIM GO...
I miss my love...Who I left 4 years ago...
I miss him so much...
I constantly keep thinking...
How my life...and everything would just be different if he hadn't gone...
If he had just stayed...
My life would just be so different if he had just stayed...
My heart wouldn't be so broken...
Why did he leave...
And break my heart...
I let it be broken...
By just caring too much...
When things are going well...
I just DO NOT exist...
But then she misses me...
But you know what? ...
She just misses the IDEA of me...
The idea of someone who's just ALWAYS there...
NO MATTER WHAT...
Yes I'm a FUCKING IDIOT but also yes...
I am ALWAYS and always will be there for her...
Whenever she needs me...
And then leaves me when "she's happy"...
Or happier without me...
When we're JUST together...
It's ONLY me...
Amazing...
PURE LOVE...
Or "love" ...
After that it's like the love is less...
Why didn't he stay...
So that my heart just wouldn't be so broken inside...
4 years ago...
But something that I'll never forget...
Never...
Forever and always love him...
No matter what...
True love...
Love...love...love...

" Forever " ...

Nothing seems to have changed...
I thought going away would take away the pain...
The loss...
But no...
It's still very much there...
I'm so in love...
To the point that it just hurts...
Me and my friend are sneaking vodka into our housing on Saturday...
I need that...
I need to numb myself...
I miss my princess...
So much...
She always made my day...
More than anything...
Losing all of my babies...
My Princess...
My Bucky Baby...
My Happy Baby...
My STAR...
All of them...
And THAT hurts the most...
I'm not even worth defending...
Even if in my wildest dreams she wants me back...
I cannot...
The WHOLE family probably thinks that I'm a psychopath...
I bet she didn't tell her...
Who was there when she had nobody...
When she was alone...
Homeless...
Who was there...
I bet she didn't tell her...
That I stayed despite the Catfish...
That HECK I accepted a child for her...
I bet she told her none of that...
I'm not even worth defending...
Not even worth FIGHTING for...
I think about Ron...Sam...Her...
Never was I worth fighting for...
Defending...
And worst of all...
Staying with...
Not even worth staying with...
Nopes...
I...
Am...
Not...

" Need To Escape " ...

I'm going back home in just a little while...
Just need to get away and never come back...
I need her so much...
It's just so hard...
That feeling in my heart every time that I miss her...
It's like someone is squeezing it...
But it's okay...
I'll plaster a smile on my face and just hope for the best...
Bfs and gfs come and go she said...
Family always comes first...
Funny...
Thought that I was family...
But it's okay...
It is what it is...
"Oh 3 years and you never met. Try meeting real people"...
Exactly what mama told me...
But she was worth fighting for...
I FOUGHT...
Even with EVERYTHING everyone told me...
My mother is literally my everything...
And she's going through SO much at home right now...
I tell her weekends that I stay...and even though she just says okay have fun !! ...
I hear past that...
The pain...
The guilt that I feel...

1. When they found out when I was still in school... 

Beatings everyday...
No phone...
Silent treatment...
I still Skyped her SOMEHOW...
I spent days with her...
Stayed up on school nights so she could sleep to my voice...
Stay up while my parents were at home...
Shitting myself as to when they might suddenly come in...
But NEVER show it just so she would feel safe with me...
Spent all my free school hours with her...
Bought a new phone to just talk to her...
Even when she was kicked out of the house...the first time at that time...
I still spent hours with her...
Homeless...
I was there...
AND I STILL FUCKING FOUGHT !!...
I FUCKING TRIED !!...
When everyone even my EVERYTHING (my mother) was SO synycal about the distance...
I stayed and I fucking fought...
AND THAT'S WHAT FUCKING HURTS...
It was torture...
Everytime I got back home...
She gets upset that I won't be there for her...
Forget her...
Meet someone else...
You see...
Spent the entire night thinking about what bothers me...
It's not HER...
It's the fact that she just forgets me...
If you think about it...
It's the SAME thing...
I realised...
It's not jealousy...
Heck not even her...
It's the fact that I'm replaced and forgotten...
Which really...
She should understand because it's what she feels too...
Not anymore obviously...
I bet that I'm not even missed...
But yes that's what she always felt...
And THAT'S what bothers me SO much...
And that's why I never understood what I felt...
It's because EVERYWHERE she goes she sends me at least one message tries to be with me...
Except there...
There I do not even EXIST...
And THAT is what scares me...
She'll just never understand and heck...
She'll never accept that yes it is the SAME...
Different ways but the same feeling...
And with this epiphany...
It doesn't even bother me anymore...
But what does...
Is that there was a promise made...
To at least send me SOMETHING...
And it was broken like EVERYTHING else...
Even when I had NO phone... at least an email when I went MILES away...at least 5 a day...
Just so that she isn't scared and that she knows that I'm RIGHT with her...
My heart and these empty promises...
Just broken...
It's not that I cannot accept her...
Heck I realised it was never even ABOUT her...
And that just fucks up my brain...
Idk what's what...
What I feel...
I just know that it's emptiness...
Nothingness...
This time it's real and it kills me inside...

" It Burns " ...

A part of me just died.
I try to keep myself occupied...
Alcohol...
Cigarettes...
Just to numb myself...
Skipping classes...
I have been abusing substances this whole weekend...
I knew what would happen...
And I also knew since she said goodbye before the weekend...
That yes...
This really was goodbye...
I don't know why...
But I felt it...
And I started channelling myself through my art...
Through watching movies...
To not think of her anymore...
Blocked her...
Heck even uninstalled QuizUp...
Snapchat...
Deactivated and uninstalled Facebook and snapchat for now...
Every time i keep myself occupied she always comes and my heart just caves in on itself...
Let's face it...
It's easy for her to "function" without me which is okay because thats's good that she's good...
But unfortunately for me...
I need her...
Like a retard sitting constantly by my phone hoping she'd text...
Realising that wait...
I don't have her...
It's gone...
Over...
I knew...
Because every time she goes...
It's over...
Sure maybe some things I do not understand and can never accept...
But let's be real...
It's a fact...
She forgets me every time...
And every visit...
She broke up with me...
It hurts...
I blocked her from everything because I do not want her to see me breaking...
Every time she broke my heart...
I'd go crying to her and it made me realise...
That it's only because I was pathetic she came back to me...
Not love...
I believe that okay she loves me...
But she just cannot keep leaving...
When we got back together I told her my issues...
And I asked her SPECIFICALLY...
IF I SAY YES YOU CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS...
She knew my issues and STILL decided that she wanted to be with me...
She PROMISED that she wouldn't ever leave me...
That when she sees me with someone else it drives her INSANE...
But I just guess that it was just something to please me...
You know what...?
At this point i just DO NOT KNOW...
I cannot believe that I fell for this again...
I didn't even tell her that I was leaving...
And BAM she started CRYING that I was leaving her...
BEGGED me not to...
MADE ME promise...
I'm just such a FUCKING DUMBASS IDIOT...
Who'll just never find love...
Never...
I love her...
And I just always will...
But oh well...
That's why I'm such an idiot...
I'd come running back to your arms...
Right now...
I'm going home early on Wednesday...
Sitting alone in my room...
It just drives me crazy...
I just wanna get away...
I'm never moving on...
Never...
I'll ALWAYS love her...
But she just keeps hurting me...
BUT it's my fault...
It's not my fault that I have my issues...
Because she makes me feel like it's an issue...
And she just proved me right...
Went there...
Forgot me...
And broke up with me...
What's new...
But it's my fault for letting myself feel that way...
She's an AMAZING person but a threat to me...
Because she steals what I share with her...
And it's MY FAULT...
For feeling that way...
I just do not know right now...
I started cutting again...
I just feel so alone right now...
My escape...
Just...
Lost...
Gone...
And quite frankly I just cannot right now...

" And Last But Not Least " ...

Of course. Last but by hi means the least. They will forget you VERY soon. Just one more day to go in fact. Just you wait and see...

" Was I Just Always Blind " ...

Now I'm not at ALL trying to glorify myself...
But I would go through all ends of the world to make them smile...
Especially seeing them in such pain...
No matter what we are or my mood at the time...
If ever see the pain I would want to take that away NO MATTER WHAT...
And I have...I ALWAYS have...
I have just cooled off from one of my "break-down phases" ...
And I just realised...
That they are kind of insensitive...
Me being a totally wrong bitch...?
Maybe...
But right now...
They just clearly DO NOT GIVE A FLYING FUCK about me right now...
None...
Like as if my tears have just lost ALL value...
Worthless...
Nothing...
Absolutely...
Just nothing...
Nothing...

" Self - Finding " ...

It just hit me as I said it...
Till I figure myself out...
I'm hopeless...
Till I find my happiness...
I am hopeless...
Till I learn yo love myself...
I am hopeless...
Till I don't feel alone anymore...
I am hopeless...
It feels like I have just been drowned...
In the darkness...
That empty void...
Sucked in...
Gasping for breath...
Lings filling up...
With nothing...
That emptiness...
Nothing but emptiness...
In my heart...
My soul...
Nothing...
And I have to save myself...
Because in the end nobody cares enough to save me...
But me...

" Gone Again " ...

It's lost again...
The love that she had for me...
All of that love is gone...
Gone...
I feel so unloved in this world...
The one person that I could count on...
And now I have lost it...
It's gone...
Alone in this world...
Feeling alone...
Lost...
Lost and alone...

" Back In Time " ...

I wish that I could just go back in time...
To two and a half years ago...
Heck...just days ago...
When I felt wanted...
Loved...
Appreciated...
Just...
Loved...
I miss it...
I miss being totally loved...
Yes...
I miss it...
Love...love...love...
Just that little bit of love...

" A Bad Person " ...

And now I question everything...
Okay yes I am synycal about myself...
But one thing I always believed was that doing good would bring good in your life...
And now I am doomed to bad things...
This is because the one thing I did...
Was good so good would happen to me...
But now...?
I'm just bad...
All around...
Even that one thing...
Doing good...
Is gone...
I'm destined for bad things...
Bad things only can happen to me...
Bad...

" I Hate Myself " ...

I hate myself for thinking things could be better...
I hate myself for thinking that I could be happy again...
I hate myself for thinking I was one person again...
Who the fuck am I...
I hate myself for feeling like this...
I hate myself for giving myself false hope...
I hate myself for thinking a monster like me could ever be loved...
I just hate myself...

" Too Good To Be True " ...

I knew the moment I started to feel safe again...
Loved again...
Wanted again...
It was too good to be true...
I was scared of it...
SO scared...
I wanted to pull back...
But I had just missed it so much...
That I was sucked in again...
Sucked into the dilemma that yes...
You can actually make someone happy...
But me?
All I come with is a main course if heartache with a side of pain ...
Yup that's me ...
Pain ...

" My Alter Ego " ...

When the whole world seems like a split second...
Yeah a split...
When they don't get you...
When you don't even get you...
Who are you...?
When you become someone else...
And that's the flaws everyone points out in you...
Not you...
Then who...?
But who...?
Who is that person...?
Who are you...?
Who...?
...