" Fairytales Always End " ...

After EVERYTHING...
Even when I'm supposed to hate her guts...
I just cannot...
I'm fucking in love with her...
Ad still after everything...
I miss her just so damn much...
I wanna be with her...
I wanna be the person that she loves...
What I miss most...?
Someone looking at me like she did...
So much of love...
Once upon a time she loved me...
But I guess that it was just too good to be true...
And that all fairytales come to an end...
End...
End...
End...

" I Miss Her So Bad " ...

I miss her so bad...
I try and see it as a good thing...
Try and constantly think about all of the times that she was horrible to me...
But...
I just cannot...
I cannot stop loving her...
DESPITE EVERY FUCKING THING...
Why the fuck am I hurting myself so much...
Move on...
But I cannot...
I never can...
It's impossible...
Even after she hurt me time and time again...
Left me time and time again...
I'm just so hurt...
But I fucking miss her...
Miss...
Miss...
Miss her...

" I'm Losing It " ...

I've lost her...
Which means that I have just lost everything...
My Princess...
My Angels...
Everything...
I felt like I was part of a family...
And now...?
I'm an outcast...
It's all gone...
And I've lost it all...
My stupid fucking mistakes...
And I have lost it all...
I should have just dealt with the abuse...
I don't care...
As long as I had thag family...
But now...?
It's just all gone...
Gone...
Gone...
Gone...

" Just Deal With It " ...

I'm dealing with everything...
Not saying...
Or even doing anything...
Because the one thing that I could never lose...
Are my angels...
No matter what...
More nights of just in bed...
Stopped driving because I use a lot of petrol and stuff...
So I just lay in bed...
Nightmares again...
And since that talk about my virginity...
I have just been constantly thinking of my rape...
Over and over again...
You see that's why I feel SO uncomfortable with anything in me...
The tampon felt super weird...
And that moment just repeats in my head...
How he put it in...
How it felt...
How I felt...
Over and over again...
I just don't even feel a thing...
I'm numb...
My heart is numb...
Not feeling loved...?
Ywah well SUCK IT UP...
For my angels...
I'll suck it up...
To keep them...
I'll just deal with it...
Deal...
Deal...
Deal...

" Everything I touch " ...

Everything I love...
Turns to garbage...
I loved Ron so much...
But I couldn't make him happy...
And he found something better...
I really scares me to get close to anybody...
It scares me...
Everytime they get something better...
I'm never able to keep anybody happy...
And they end up leaving for something that does...
It's always happened...
I loved him so much...
And he found someone better...
I am scared to get close to Ish...
I got way too close and now...
I started feeling less loved...
Don't even believe it when she says that she loves me...
And that scares me...
The fact that I feel less loved and don't even believe her...
And the one thing that I can NEVER lose is my Princess and all of my other angels...
She had made it very clear that without her I lose them too...
And I can just NEVER ever lose them NO MATTER WHAT...
My virginity was a huge deal to her...
And yeah...something nobody knows...
It did happen...fully...
It wasn't just molestation...
It was rape...
I am not a virgin...
Never was...
And I NEVER got the courage to say it to anybody...
NOBODY...
And it meant a lot to her...
And I cannot even give that part of me to her...
I see her getting unhappy...
And it kills me...
I did what I did for her...
So she could move onto real happiness...
I guess it just made things worse...
I just feel so depressed...
I just don't know what anymore...
Numb...
Numb...
Numb...

" After So Long " ...

It was amazing to see her after so long...
God I fucking missed her...
Her smile...
Her laugh...
Heck the way she made me smile and laugh...
It was amazing...
But then when I had to go...
It started again...
I thought that this would make things better between us...
Her to keep texting me...
I spend every second of the day unlocking my phone to see if she texted me...
Skyped my bother last night and I was just so depressed...
And at that time I wished I could just unlock my phone and rant my heart out but she wouldn't care...
I'm gonna be a Zumba Instructor...
Which is a HUGE deal for me...
And she didn't even care...
All differences aside...
She didn't even care...
And I know it's hard for her too...
But she saw me freaking naked for goodness sakes !!
And that's a huge thing for me...
My body...
My virginity...
And after that to not even say that she loves me...
Yeah it hurt...
And for her to just talk about it that way...
It hurt...
Because showing that and opening up that part of me is really hard...
And she's the first person I have ever done that to and the last...
And for her to just say it like it was nothing...
Heck...
I meant it when she was my first...
And she knows I believe that my first sexual experience is my virginity...
Because when I was six...
Yes...
He went in a bit...
So if she says that a tampon took my virginity...
Yeah it was gone a LONG LONG LONG time ago...
Nobody even knows this not even my own parents...
But I just cannot even admit it to myself...
So how shall I to anybody else...?

" Hate " ...

I have never hate anything in my life before...
Never hated getting molested...
Never hated cancer for taking away my angel...
Never hated when my brother left...
But one thing that I hate...
Right now...?
The fact that I can never hate...
I fucking hate the fact that I never hate...
I want to hate fucking cancer for stealing my one true love...
I want to fucking hate the fact that my innocence was stolen from me way before I even hit puberty...
I want to hate the fact that some asshole stole from my brother and now he's jobless...
I want to FUCKING hate my heart for loving...
But I can't...
I just love her so fucking much...
That it hurts...
I...
Fucking...
Love...
Her...
:'(...

" Shattered " ...

Everytime that I text her...
It just makes me wanna cry...
Like no matter how hard I try to have an intimate and I don't mean that way...just a heart to heart with her...
It's like it's not good enough...
So distant...
I remember when my text used to make her heart skip a beat...
Like it does mine...
Make her feel butterflies...
Like me whenever she texs me...
All this even now I feel...
It's like...
She doesn't care anymore?
Not talking about me...
But this relationship...
Us...
And that's why ever time I text her I just fill up with tears...
She doesn't at all feel what I do...
And i mean busy...?
YouTubing...?
Heck...
Her sister has more time for me...
Snapping me and stuff...
At least someone gives a shit...
Hurts...
Her sister makes my day snapping hr and baby...
Heck she has more time for me than her itself...
Fucking hurts...
When she said that she loves me...
It just felt off...
Like she was just saying it...
Like there was just no feeling behind it...
What about all those times she avoided it?...
Just never said it back...?
Changed the subject...?
Everytime...
She...
Texts...
Me...
I...
Just...
Wanna...
Cry...

" It's a New Day " ...

You know what?
I love her...
And I know that she loves me...
Knowing it is enough...
I trust her...
And I fucking am in love with her !!
Say it don't say it she knows I love her...
I know I love her and that she also loves me...
That's all that matters !!
Yeah when she clearly isn't busy...
But she says she's busy whatever...
I'm not letting that get to me...
I love her and that's that...
I just wished she'd say it back...
But they're just words...
It would feel amazing g if she did...
But bleh just words...
I guess...?
I love her...
I'm fucking in love with her...
I...
FUCKING...
LOVE...
HER...
SHE...
IS...
MY...
FUCKING...
EVERYTHING...
AND MY FAMILY...
AND I LOVE HER...
AND MY PRINCESS...
AND RAZIE...
MAMA NISHU EVERYONE !!
I FUCKING LOVE HER !!
SHE'S MY LIFE...
SO I FUCKING LOVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW !!
GOD I LOVE HER...!!

" Bloody Trying " ...

When you're trying your best to make it work...
And the other person doesn't give a shit about you...
Okay there is a lot going on...
Yeah well news flash...
With me too !!
But I still try...
Make time to Skype not even online...
Snapchat everything I do...
WhatsApp whenever I can doesn't even check when online...
You know what?
Backing off...
Obviously not because I'm bust or whatever she fucking thinks...
But when she wants to make this work...
I'll be here...
If not...
Then at least I'll know how much our relationship was worth to her...
I am fucking trying...
There's only so much I can be blamed for this...
Only...
So...
Much...

" Please Just Tell Me " ...

If she doesn't love me anymore...
I wish that she'd just tell me...
Because it's just killing me inside...
Had a day out today with some friends who are every close to us and leaving in a couple of months...
Had my period so used a tampon for the first time to go to the beach...
Mama put the first one in for me...
It felt weird and quite frankly...
I just realised that anything up there...
Is honestly quite weird...
I'm good just grinding thanks...
So yeah I was already having a bit of a cough...
But came home and have a high fever...
Not fling good...
Body sore from gym cannot move...
Strained I more on the beach...
Worth it because I did have a good time...
But I just feel like crap right about now...
High fever...
Back to pads...
So high flow...
I don't know...
Just so weak...
Gonna go driving by the beach tonight like every othet night...
And hopefully I'll feel better...
Hopefully I hear "I love you" from her soon too...
Killing me inside...
If she doesn't...
Just...
Say...
So...
Please...

" I Love You " ...

Okay it seriously wouldn't kill her to just say it back...
Those simple 3 words...
Would make EVERYTHING beer and just give me this emotional relief...
Make my whole situation so much better...
And honestly...
If she doesn't feel that way about me...
She should just say so...
And so I'll just not expect to hear it anymore...
Just those 3 words...
If she doesn't love me...
She should just say so...
Just...
Say...
So...

" No Pain No Gain " ...

With my days though...
Nothing much really...
My days pretty much has been going back and forth as mentioned previously...
Gym...
Massaging my mom cracking her back and stretching her...
Going out with daddy for late night drives when he comes home just to get out a bit...
And then back to those nights...
I've been doing intense workouts...
Tomorrow my first personal training session with this new person because our regular left...
So yeah my body is in pain...
But no pain no gain right...?
I guess that applies to love...
To life...
To just getting by...
To your relationships...
You should feel pain...
And fighting through that pain...
And still seeing that it's worth it...
Yup that's your gain...
So relationships too...
No pain no gain...
No...
Pain...
No...
Gain...

" My Nights " ...

I lay down in bed every single night...

I don't know why I ever even bother... 

I never really close my eyes in peace... 

So well yeah... 

I just lay there... 

Awake... 

Until eventually... 

I just get up... 

Take the keys...
Drive over...
Pick up five beers...
Drive to the open beach...
Park over there...
Drink them...
Wait till the sun comes up till I fully sober up...
And then drive back early in the morning...
Mama has been so sick...
Just been back and forth from Khorfakkan to here...
Checking on Shan Di and mama...
She was always this weak...
Never told me...
Found out only after seeing her when I came back home...
Never noticed on Skype, or pictures, or even on the phone...
Always kept her smiling head up...
To not worry me...
Bad daughter...?
For sure...

" So Lost " ...

Shan Di is really sick...
She might go to Pakistan for treatment...
I'm just so worried for her...
Whatever little eye sight she has...
Could even be lost forever...
I'm gonna visit her everyday and drive there to make sure she's okay...
I just wish my love would just text me at least...
I miss her...
And I know that it's all my fault...
I've ruined everything...
For us...
For me...
For her...
I miss my princess and Razie...
I am just SO grateful that she still keeps me in the loop about my angels...
Even if she doesn't love me...
Just...
SO...
GRATEFUL...
So grateful to her for that...
Owe her a lot for putting her through this...
And despite it all keeping me updated...
God I love her so much...
Even if she doesn't love me back...
I...
Love...
Her...
SO...
FUCKING...
MUCH...

" Feeling Lonely " ...

I feel so alone...
Missing out more on my Princess...
I'm the only one who can change it...
But I can't...
It's complicated...
I know I left her feeling alone...
I know it's my fault...
I know I'm the one who left her alone...
It makes me feel like shit...
It's my fault...
I'm a horrible fucking person...
4 nights no sleep...
I miss my little girl...
My little Princess...
When she said "my little girl"...
Yes it stung...
And hurt...
I love them even Raz...
And I just miss them...
SO MUCH...
I...
Miss...
Them...