" Need To Escape " ...

I'm going back home in just a little while...
Just need to get away and never come back...
I need her so much...
It's just so hard...
That feeling in my heart every time that I miss her...
It's like someone is squeezing it...
But it's okay...
I'll plaster a smile on my face and just hope for the best...
Bfs and gfs come and go she said...
Family always comes first...
Funny...
Thought that I was family...
But it's okay...
It is what it is...
"Oh 3 years and you never met. Try meeting real people"...
Exactly what mama told me...
But she was worth fighting for...
I FOUGHT...
Even with EVERYTHING everyone told me...
My mother is literally my everything...
And she's going through SO much at home right now...
I tell her weekends that I stay...and even though she just says okay have fun !! ...
I hear past that...
The pain...
The guilt that I feel...

1. When they found out when I was still in school... 

Beatings everyday...
No phone...
Silent treatment...
I still Skyped her SOMEHOW...
I spent days with her...
Stayed up on school nights so she could sleep to my voice...
Stay up while my parents were at home...
Shitting myself as to when they might suddenly come in...
But NEVER show it just so she would feel safe with me...
Spent all my free school hours with her...
Bought a new phone to just talk to her...
Even when she was kicked out of the house...the first time at that time...
I still spent hours with her...
Homeless...
I was there...
AND I STILL FUCKING FOUGHT !!...
I FUCKING TRIED !!...
When everyone even my EVERYTHING (my mother) was SO synycal about the distance...
I stayed and I fucking fought...
AND THAT'S WHAT FUCKING HURTS...
It was torture...
Everytime I got back home...
She gets upset that I won't be there for her...
Forget her...
Meet someone else...
You see...
Spent the entire night thinking about what bothers me...
It's not HER...
It's the fact that she just forgets me...
If you think about it...
It's the SAME thing...
I realised...
It's not jealousy...
Heck not even her...
It's the fact that I'm replaced and forgotten...
Which really...
She should understand because it's what she feels too...
Not anymore obviously...
I bet that I'm not even missed...
But yes that's what she always felt...
And THAT'S what bothers me SO much...
And that's why I never understood what I felt...
It's because EVERYWHERE she goes she sends me at least one message tries to be with me...
Except there...
There I do not even EXIST...
And THAT is what scares me...
She'll just never understand and heck...
She'll never accept that yes it is the SAME...
Different ways but the same feeling...
And with this epiphany...
It doesn't even bother me anymore...
But what does...
Is that there was a promise made...
To at least send me SOMETHING...
And it was broken like EVERYTHING else...
Even when I had NO phone... at least an email when I went MILES away...at least 5 a day...
Just so that she isn't scared and that she knows that I'm RIGHT with her...
My heart and these empty promises...
Just broken...
It's not that I cannot accept her...
Heck I realised it was never even ABOUT her...
And that just fucks up my brain...
Idk what's what...
What I feel...
I just know that it's emptiness...
Nothingness...
This time it's real and it kills me inside...