" It Burns " ...

A part of me just died.
I try to keep myself occupied...
Alcohol...
Cigarettes...
Just to numb myself...
Skipping classes...
I have been abusing substances this whole weekend...
I knew what would happen...
And I also knew since she said goodbye before the weekend...
That yes...
This really was goodbye...
I don't know why...
But I felt it...
And I started channelling myself through my art...
Through watching movies...
To not think of her anymore...
Blocked her...
Heck even uninstalled QuizUp...
Snapchat...
Deactivated and uninstalled Facebook and snapchat for now...
Every time i keep myself occupied she always comes and my heart just caves in on itself...
Let's face it...
It's easy for her to "function" without me which is okay because thats's good that she's good...
But unfortunately for me...
I need her...
Like a retard sitting constantly by my phone hoping she'd text...
Realising that wait...
I don't have her...
It's gone...
Over...
I knew...
Because every time she goes...
It's over...
Sure maybe some things I do not understand and can never accept...
But let's be real...
It's a fact...
She forgets me every time...
And every visit...
She broke up with me...
It hurts...
I blocked her from everything because I do not want her to see me breaking...
Every time she broke my heart...
I'd go crying to her and it made me realise...
That it's only because I was pathetic she came back to me...
Not love...
I believe that okay she loves me...
But she just cannot keep leaving...
When we got back together I told her my issues...
And I asked her SPECIFICALLY...
IF I SAY YES YOU CANNOT KEEP DOING THIS...
She knew my issues and STILL decided that she wanted to be with me...
She PROMISED that she wouldn't ever leave me...
That when she sees me with someone else it drives her INSANE...
But I just guess that it was just something to please me...
You know what...?
At this point i just DO NOT KNOW...
I cannot believe that I fell for this again...
I didn't even tell her that I was leaving...
And BAM she started CRYING that I was leaving her...
BEGGED me not to...
MADE ME promise...
I'm just such a FUCKING DUMBASS IDIOT...
Who'll just never find love...
Never...
I love her...
And I just always will...
But oh well...
That's why I'm such an idiot...
I'd come running back to your arms...
Right now...
I'm going home early on Wednesday...
Sitting alone in my room...
It just drives me crazy...
I just wanna get away...
I'm never moving on...
Never...
I'll ALWAYS love her...
But she just keeps hurting me...
BUT it's my fault...
It's not my fault that I have my issues...
Because she makes me feel like it's an issue...
And she just proved me right...
Went there...
Forgot me...
And broke up with me...
What's new...
But it's my fault for letting myself feel that way...
She's an AMAZING person but a threat to me...
Because she steals what I share with her...
And it's MY FAULT...
For feeling that way...
I just do not know right now...
I started cutting again...
I just feel so alone right now...
My escape...
Just...
Lost...
Gone...
And quite frankly I just cannot right now...