" Coming out " ...

I never want to talk to anybody about this but my therapist. Not my friends not anybody. But i just couldn't help myself last night. I was all alone yesterday. I was all in the dark and so depressed. She saw me say to my love "Whore?" and she was like what is this all about? I didn't wanna talk about anything. My mate noticed it and told me to spend the night at her place. I went and we were talking about her crush and so we ate we watched a movie at her place and then she asked me "What's going on with you". When I said that nothing was she said "Come on tell me." So I spilled my heart out and told her everything. About the breakup. About our conversations. Everything. She asked me why I am constantly letting her "walk all over me". Why I was letting her abuse me. Why I'm with someone who I am not happy with. She said that she noticed this a lot. About how I always smile (because that's just me) but also about how she knows just exactly what's going on deep inside. Apparently a bunch of them talked about it too. About how she is very dominating. I told her that I don't know why I am just so deep in love with her to do and be like this. I guess it's because she is my future. I see her in everything...I dream about her every single night...I get nightmares though too...about her drooling over her abs about how they are dating and so happy and that "abs" (that's what I'll call her from right now) was giving her everything that I couldn't like physical touch. I wake up sweating. She is always in my head in my life plan in everything...And I just cannot live without her I JUST CAN'T. My mate said and told me that no matter what she is going through that she can just never treat me like this or ever call me that again. And that I need to stand up for myself and put my foot down. That she is older and that's why she is doing this. That she is just taking advantage of how I am as a person which is just this. But I love her and I refuse to open up to my mates because their opinion is not welcome. They just don't get it or understand it. I love them to death no doubt especially "N" but I am sorry they just do not get this part of me. No doubt she understands me so fully and so much but just not my relationship. I am heart broken and I want her back. I long to kiss her. I long to be a couple with her and flirt with her. Be her everything...I'm not anymore...I'm just not...but i miss her...and I shall ALWAYS love her...always...